Wednesday, November 23, 2011

"Leave me alone" "I'm busy" and other things I'm trying not to say ...

Today was a good day. 

What was so good about today you ask? Well let's give some context. 

Monday, I killed myself cleaning, laundry, phone-calling (doing all the "good-mom" things, while telling my kids, "just a minute", or just plaine ol'  "leave me alone!"). I planned a darling, fun and interactive first Family Home Evening lesson of the season Christmas lesson, that my children promptly ignored to play farm instead, with the barn yard animals I had intended to worship the babe in the manger. 

FHE as of late had begun to be family home Errand night, and so while we were trying remedy that trend, we still, consequently we needed groceries. Ben was gonna take one of the kids and go do it (cuz just two kids is such a treat!) but do to the attempt to have a lesson, it was a tad to late. 
So I said, well why don't I go. 
Benny put the kids to bed while I wandered about Walmart basking in the kid-lessness. 
(I ran into another Vivint wife who's husband had been away on the same trip, she had the same "can't believe no kids are asking me for anything!" look. I was so happy for her. 
And me.)

So Monday was the "productive" day, which I've realized is usually followed by a lazy day.
I rotate. 
It works for me. 
But I kept feeling like I ought to be doing something.  Which totally wrecks a nothing day.

So today I kinda had a re-do. But instead of just lazy, and after a talk with my amazing mother-in-law, I decided to give myself permission to just let my kids take the lead.

"Just take 15 minutes" she challenged, "with no teaching or parenting, jut BE with your child and do whatever they do! It will make them feel so special and loved. Trust me."

Guess what McKye wanted to do? Laugh. 
Over and over again, we just threw our heads back and laughed. 
What a great idea McKye. 

Then we transformed a plane in to a robot...."NO!!! Tansfow-ma!"  (Opps my bad). 
Probably fifty times.
Never got old. He was excited every time.  

He was so pleasant and fun. And I was left thinking "why don't I do this all the time?!?"

Then the baby woke up and I remember why. Life.

But, still I should do it more.

I read this line yesterday from this blog, 
 "you can be home and still miss it if your mind is elsewhere."  
It's SOOOOO true. And its truth is haunting my heart.

I've been so frustrated with McKye lately. But I know he just wants attention. 

I'm good at learning things, but not so good at applying them.
I first learned the concept of "mistaken goals" in the Positive Discipline books. Which I love because they focus on children's needs, and how they result in behaviour instead of just giving reaction strategies to behaviours.
I happened upon the same philosophy in an LDS social services document, my mom-in-law emailed me, so I can't source it properly. But I loved remembering this... (McKye is the first one, with a little of the second)
Misbehaving children do not feel good about themselves and are usually discouraged. They seek to belong through misbehavior. Rudolf Dreikurs defines four “mistaken goals” or negative goals that children pursue in an effort to meet their needs. 
The four mistaken goals Dreikurs defines are:

•  Seeking undue attention--When children don’t get attention in positive ways, they may choose to seek it in negative ways through misbehavior. Children who believe they can belong only if they are receiving attention prefer negative attention to being ignored. Parents need to give these children positive attention and attention when they don’t expect it.  
•  Retaliation and revenge--Children who seek revenge believe they are not loveable; that they are significant only when they are able to hurt others the way they believe they have been hurt. Parents need to be careful not to retaliate with these children and to build a positive relationship. 

•  Display of inadequacy—These children are extremely discouraged. They have given up hope of succeeding so they attempt to keep others from expecting anything from them. Giving up may be total or only in areas where the children feel they can’t succeed. Parents need to help the children who feel inadequate to succeed if only in small increments, to focus on the children’s strengths, and to not give up on them which is the child’s mistaken goal.
•  Struggle for power--Children who seek power feel they are significant only when they get their way. Even if parents succeed in subduing them, the victory is only temporary. They may win the argument, but lose the relationship. When parents deal with power-seeking children, they must refrain from getting angry and stay out of the power struggle. Parents should give them opportunities to display power and competency constructively.

I love those I believe statements in the middle. SO powerful. Exactly the self-talk messages I want my kids to have engrained in their little souls. (Reminds me of "you is kind, you is smart, you is important!" from "The Help" haven't read it yet.... library now!"

I just need to remember this, and DO!
I need to do it right now in fact, because Levi this very moment is trying to play with me, putting a hat on his head and then mine and laughing like he's brillant (which he is). And I'm trying to "multi-task" which is crap.
 I need to give my kids ME, that is what they really want, what they need.

How many times am I gonna hafta re-learn this? 
I'm guessing a bunch.

A few pics from the Friend2Friend presentation at Aaron's kindergarten this morning.

And from the ever expanding photo portfolio of narcissistic McKye. He is constantly takign pictures of himself with my iPhone. This little gem is of him on the potty. 
Not the most flattering self-portrait 'Kye.
 It's all in the angle kid.

Well we all know where he got his narcissism.
When a girl only showers every 4 days, can you blame her for getting a bit excited realizing she actually can look half-decent soem days, and deciding she needed some lasting evidence?


Just Rhonda said...Best Blogger Tips

looove the 15 minute idea! I am going to try it tomorrow. How'd you get so smart so young? :)

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