Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Night and day (actually two days)


Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Right after a post all about priorities,  I lost all sense of purpose and was left drowning in self-pity, frustration and anxiety that had me on the brink of tears from shortly after I awoke all the way through a long day til my head hit the pillow. It was not pretty. 

Like my whole hour of mommy time? Ya, we'll see how that pans out...
 I tried to pin-point and problem solve and re-evaluate my commitments. I got desperate enough to plug my ideal family schedule into a colour coded excel sheet, 
emailing it to my husband along with a rather desperate plea for help, accusations born of my own harboured resentments and pathetic apologies that he is married to such a crazy wife. I went to bed mad, hopeless, rubbing poofy tired eyes against the throbs of one doozy of a headache.

Then today happened.

A great day. Best in a long time actually.

For one thing the clock that had so been my enemy yesterday, rushing me along in a frenzy from one awful thing to the next, decided to make up and click by slower for me. I got up the same time, but somehow, I had more time to read my scriptures (and an Ensign Article on Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage...read on and you'll understand why I picked it).
I keep wondering if morning just aren't my time to study anymore, but I just know it's how a set my day and right for me...by nap time or bed time I'm just to stinkin' tired!)

 I had the same amount of little boy faces and bums to wipe, same deadline to get everyone up and dressed and fed--the appropriate amounts of cereal and family scriptures to start their day-- but while yesterday felt like an uphill run, today was like a stroll, with little pockets of time presenting themselves, inviting me to "go ahead, snuggle that baby a moment longer, tickle that toddler til he squeals, give your brave little kindergartener one more encouraging hug before he walks out the door to face the world...Go ahead, you've got time."

We played primary songs (and maybe a bit of  Blur introduced to my son by this lovely trailer...McKye LOVES it!) And instead of banishing my kids to the playroom I sauntered down with them. Instead of loosing it when I'd find Mckye, once again, laying on top of Levi, or "capturing him" in emptied lego bin, I took the time to help them play together, the most satisfying little three-way game of catch ever (Levi gets up on his knees and throws the ball with his whole ballish body; his mom and brother found it adorable and laughed every time). 
I enjoyed a walk with a friend (I've been meaning to call), while our toddlers happily ran ahead,  all of us enjoying the novel coolness as it proclaimed autumns imminent arrival. 

I think it's interesting I don't have actual pictures from TODAY,
like I was actually enjoying just the moment enough
to not even think of grabbing the camera. 
McKey happily dumped ingredients into chocolate Zucchini bread (that I licked way too much batter of, and that Aaron actually ate!) 

            McKye even snipped at construction paper for more than 2 seconds (all I could think:
 is this the same kid 
that yesterday couldn't make it through a song time, cuz if I tried to get him to clap or follow any sort of instructions
 he'd whack me in the face?!?) 

The baby had a long nap (which made sense cuz he was up all night...starting to think I actaully do better with less sleep, which is scary thought).

Aaron pulled me to the tramp and watched my mouth, searching for the right sounds to get me to do what he already knew, I knew, he wanted: "Uh-mmmm-pah!" his extreme concentration finally finds it's way, exhaled more than spoken.
"UMP!" I repeat and reward his efforts with multiple double bounces. And I wonder how much of that great big grin is the bounce and how much is the "I did it" feeling. 
McKye joins us and we giggle through some rounds of ring around the rosy  cuz again, magically we're not feeling rushed to get dinner on. Play-do curbed the pre-dinner whines, and fries with lot os "CHUP" delight all. 

Ben (obviously relieved that his psycho wife of yesterday obviously found some sort of solution and/or  outlet) watched the boys while I went and did my much beloved yoga for the first time in months and then he went for a walk, followed by a long shower, so I can sit her a write this.

Lovely day. I know you would have preferred I wrote yesterdays craziness, right? 
Believe me you don't.
Ask Ben.

And the funny thing? Not much really changed (as far as kids crankiness, or hubby help)
Nope it was mostly me. Having said that, I don't think yesterday was a case of me just needing  to "change my attitude" although it may have helped. I think it was just a bad day, and all too often I let a bad day (probably with a little help from Satan) morph itself  out of control and convince me that I am a bad, failing, person who just ought to give up entirely. When really it's just a bad day,

Boyd K. Packer  in this article "Solving Emotional Problems" said:
We are indoctrinated that somehow we should always by instantly emotionally comfortable. When that is not so, some become anxious—and all too frequently seek relief from counseling, from analysis, and even from medication.
[ I did pop some Tylenol yesterday!]
It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal.
Teach our members that if they have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out.
There is great purpose in our struggle in life."
He then quotes this  poem entitled “The Lesson.”
Yes, my fretting,
Frowning child,
I could cross
The room to you
More easily.
But I’ve already
Learned to walk,
So I make you
Come to me.
Let go now
You see?
Oh, remember
This simple lesson,
And when
In later years
You cry out
With tight fists
And tears
“Oh, help me,
Just listen
And you’ll hear
A silent voice:
“I would, child,
I would.
But it’s you,
Not I,
Who needs to try
(Carol Lynn Pearson)
Learning to walk involves falling down, It's all part of the process. When we "Get up" each morning, it's more that out of bed, we rise above the failings of yesterday, ready and needing to try...again.

So, maybe tomorrow will be horrible again, but maybe not.
Remember if your "good miserable day" or "even several in row" comes along, remember it's normal, and don't send a freaked out email to your spouse (although he was pretty nice to me today:)

And if you only skimmed through this post your probably pretty confused...what is she trying to say??? If you have a bad day and you're a kid, eat more Kethcup and if your an adult eat chocolate!
Pretty much:)


yoga mamma said...Best Blogger Tips

Just wanted to say that you are a great mother...and I am glad you were able to sneak some yoga in.