Friday, August 26, 2011

Still my baby, at least a little longer

Isaiah asks Can a woman forget her sucking child?
He says they might. I say...

Well let's just say that metaphor took on a whole new reality these last few days.

It all started with me, as always trying to be a good mom. 
I took the kids swimming. After a crazy just nothing ain't gonna go right morning, I threw them in the van and headed off to the pool. 

Which was really fun. Even though it was windy. (you seasoned, smarter mothers can already see where this is headed). The next day my happy "little" Levi was lethargic, then feverish, then miserable!

We'd gone out to Mountain View for Ben's mom's birthday. His Aunt was up from Utah and I kept  hearing myself explain, "This isn't Levi, he's usually so happy and flirty. " 
He just wanted to be held, by me...including all through the night. He also had no interest in nursing.  At 6 am when the Tylenol  ran out, me and my blessed mother-in-law took a sunrise drive into town to restock. 

My other two boys were expected at Grandma and Grandpa Bowen's for a sleepover, so we dropped them off and headed back into town for a doctor visit, where the ear infection was confirmed and antibiotics were granted.  

We were off with our drugged baby, to a night away--Ben had invited me to accompany him on his last out of town business trip, to celebrate the fact that we had made it through another summer. (Yay for us).

Except by the time we arrived in "beautiful" British Columbia (I use quotations not in sarcasm, cuz hello it IS beautiful but because I'm literally quoting their license plates)
Levi hadn't nursed in over 24 hours!!!
You nursing mammas don't even need me to say it...I WAS DYING!

This is a kid who nurses, like at least have a dozen times a day. I mean, he doesn't maintain his sheer girth by being an occasional sucker...he takes his feedings seriously. 

So here I am basically milking myself (yup I said it, cuz at some point we've all done it) in the hotel bathroom, thinking about the year I actually milked goats in exchange for piano lessons (an experience obviously not gone to waste:) Desperately trying to elevate some of the "pressure" before going out to dinner. 

The worst part was I thought Levi was done. I thought we were gonna hafta go cold turkey. And I admit it made me sad. 

Okay, a few of you know that me and nursing haven't always gotten along. In fact my experience with Aaron was nothing short of an absolute and horrendous nightmare. 
Ben's always been kinda pro-bottle (more in a it's-okay-if-you-wanna-stop way, to balance my must-do-everything-I can-for-my-children-even-if-my-nipples-are-bleeding approach), so he was like, "Oh well guess you're weaning him."

"But I'm not ready" I said. 

He looked at me confused, " You mean...emotionally???"

Yup, that's what I meant. 

Then I read this post and felt validated.  I realized that unlike my last two nursing experiences it may be a little bit before the next Bretzke baby. I don't think we'll wait too long, just maybe a tad more than the two years between each of our sons (two years almost to the fay with McKye and Levi). I just wasn't ready to give up his baby-ness yet. 

Because nursing in the past had been such an painful, hard and almost unbearable experiences, I thought people who prolonged nursing where crazy (if not masochistic).

I take it all back. 
I get it.

And when Levi finally decided that his sore little throat was healed enough to latch on (after 29 hours!) not only was it a physically relief, but an emotional one as well.

He was going to stay my baby a little longer. 

Even though he's climbing everything in sight: stairs, playground equipment, me!

Even though he grabbed the baby food jar right outta my hands and started trying to chug it down!

Even though every time I turn around he's learning new things like playing catch or clapping his hands, getting more lovable right before my eyes. Turning into a real little person. 

But still my baby.

So my fear of an unexpected weaning turned out unsubstantiated. We're back on schedule. 

Made me think of this quote by Anne Morrow Lindbergh:
"Purposeful giving is not as apt to deplete one's resources; it belongs to that natural order of giving that seems to renew itself even in the act of depletion. The more one gives, the more one has to give--like milk in the breast."

Made me think of Isaiah, testifying that the Lord remembers us even more constant then a mother and her sucking child.  Believe me I didn't forget about Levi for a second of those long 29 hours!

Heavenly Father has so much to give. Engorged with blessings and we just wont latch on. 
He has so much to give, and as we receive there will be more. As we give there will be more, at least of all good things: light, truth, love. They all increase as we share them.

At any rate it, we made it. 

Through the summer. 

Through the sick baby.

To beautiful BC and back.

Thanks Benny for another good summer. It'll be nice to have you around more:)


Alana said...Best Blogger Tips

Stopping nursing without you making the decision is hard. The decision was made for me with Ashlyn and Landon. Nursing isn't really my fav thing but it's still hard. I stil have some mother guilt about stopping with Ashlyn because I went way long with the boys.

Amy said...Best Blogger Tips

As always, you say it beautifully Chelsea. And it totally "get" this post. I HAD to wean Jake after 4 months of pain, and I'm still soooo sad about it. I wanted to nurse him until at least a year. Booohooo. Aw, our boys are so cute. Can't believe they're growing this fast.

Crystal HW said...Best Blogger Tips

I too understand. I had to stop cold turkey at 5 months with Samantha and it was so horrible and hard!

Piece of advice, if that ever happens again, the hot shower is a great help when milking.....the heat helps relax and let down the milk.