Because I'm tired from another busy day.
And I have a feeling it's not gonna really change.
But I miss writing. I miss it so much. And I keep wondering if last years blogging was just a gift. One that helped me get through and work through some things, and that maybe it just isn't quite as necessary anymore.
Because no matter how much I keep saying I want to blog, it isn't happening.
I feel so busy.
And I hate even saying that! Because I think we use that word too much.
To make excuses or to impress others, or convince ourselves our lives our full, or that we are important. We want to feel validated in our choices and maybe even avoid some changes that we know we should, and busy-ness is just the ticket.
I believed Pres Uchdorft when he said:
Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy. We all can think up a list of tasks that will overwhelm our schedules. Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia—even during times of stress and fatigue. Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives.
I love that. I believe it. I don't want to fall prey to that trap.
But some of my "meaning" some of my "for sure purposes on this earth!" and even some of my discipleship requires some stuff getting done.
And then other times I think we've just entered another phase of life.
My baby is at school all day, and while supporting an inclusive educational option for him has never been and probably never will be easy it feels like part of our very purpose rather than an option. So I send out emails at 6am in the morning of agendas for two hour meeting with his team--which I rocked today! (Which when I described it like that at the dinner table Ben asked, "Why, did you make them cry?" To which I truthfully replied, "only a little... a few times." )
So yes that's busy, but in a new way. And a good way. A way I feel I've been very prepared for, by things I wondered whether they were a waste of time and now I see their role. I see MY role, and I see Aaron wriggling into hearts fulfilling his own purpose and destiny, so bravely although not without tears. And I think, if I'm going to busy, I'd choose to be busy doing this.
So yes, while the mid day preschool pick up, totally puts the brakes on my morning productivity (because like my mother, I know "if it ain't done by noon it ain't happening!"
seeing my kid so effortlessly attend and socialize and participate (with no extra effort on my part?) puts me into a state of awe every time! The first day when I automatically asked "What did you do at school today?" And he answered!!!!! The normalcy of it was sheer magic. Having him tell me he missed me, I'll be busy doing that!
So while I feel torn because we're not done having babies and part of me just wants to get everyone here so we can be done with diapers and carseats eventually, all together, and the sooner the better. But then another part of me aches when I think of it being done. Those squishy thighs and tubby arms never to wrap themselves around me in a full body clinging hug that seem to communicate such full-tilt affection, total trust and unutterable thanks...how can I give that up??? And yet, Levi's so heavy I just want to put him down!
So yes, while I want to dance down the aisles, as I shop with just Levi....ONE KID GROCERY SHOPPING???? Are you kidding me??? Such a treat.
I remember having just one and what an insurmountable task the simplest of errands felt like with that baby in tow.
Oh how our capacities, our focus, even our challenges are constantly changing.
Why do they always seem like they're going to last forever?
They aren't. They won't. They can't.
Which means these kids... that drive me bonkers with all their little stages that seem unending...they're gonna be lanky boys, and one day men(!) before I know it.
And even as I type this, my heart breaks....in a happy way?
McKye grew incredible amounts this summer (funny how shorts trick you into not noticing the spurts...but those spring time pants are total fall floods!) And I can just see him, surpassing his mamma's height, that uncontainable grin of his, shining through our "matching eyes" as he looks down at me, with his ears still sticking out in a boyish way, ever reminding his mamma what a god-send he was to our little family.
And Levi. K, I've had crazy kids (anyone who's ever sat behind us in sacrament can attest!)...but he is BY FAR the craziest. The kid jumps OFF the tramp...as in, leaps to the grounds, with his solid cankles absorbing the impact of his hulkish landings. He's so game for ANYTHING his older brother suggest, "Hey Levi wanna..." And always the response, "YAAAAAAAY!" and then off they run full tilt, to accomplish whatever shenanigans McKye's thought up. They're gonna be trouble I tell you, trouble.
And Aaron. He still wants to curl up on my lap at church, to run his hands through my hair, and give me his lingering kisses, where he's actually smelling me, like he just wants to take me in through all of his senses simultaneously.
And I think he always will. My other boys will get their hugs and snuggles privately, embarrassed in expected teenage fashion. But Aaron won't care. I just want him to fit there on my lap forever.
And already it's getting cramped.
I saw a glimpse of oldness in his face today, and it made me grateful for his innocence.
We did back to school blessing last night.
How my husband can receive while the other kids run amuck and throw stuff, I'll never know. But I'm so glad he can. Because their always perfect. Short and simple but oh so exact. So precisely personal.
And I sit, frantically jotting down the simple inspiration (that I know I will return to and read again and again all year long, searching for clues and finding hints of divinity.)
"Bless you to build a good relationship with both your brothers, that you will be an 'older' brother to both"
"Bless you to make friends in your own way and have a special spirit about you that will draw other's too you so that you might influence them."
"Bless you to be a happy boy. To feel the love of those around you and make those around you feel loved as well."
By the end I feel so full, because God isn't just blessing my boys, He's blessing me. Proving to me that as much as I think I know these little men who crawl into my bed, and whose socks I match and baths I run, He knows them even more perfectly.
He knows who they are and have always been and most importantly who they can become.
And He knew that they needed me in a few ways, but even more so, I needed them.
I needed to know what it felt like to love another person so much that just looking at them thrills you.
So when at times the "busy" of our life can send me reeling and make me get all flustered and confused--when I pull back and see what's really going on--
I am thrilled.
I'm thrilled to be raising these three special boys.
Who make me laugh everyday.
And who stretch me to my limits (and beyond).
And who let me try again.
Who I get to love.
And if I can be busy lovin' every minute of every day... that works for me.
That wasn't 10 minutes, by the way.