Choosing to speak

That was a big thing for me to post that poem about Aaron. Scary. May not have done it with a little more sleep-induced-sanity.

But I did. And it made me realize I'm ready to commit to writing again.

I was talking to a friend Desi about it, cuz that's what we do, talk on the phone--a little voice of encouragement and understanding amidst the chaos that is our three-son-lives.

I was explaining it was hard to write when I don't really have a specific audience in mind. Then I thought, I'm writing to the moms that don't have a Desi to call. Who just need a bit of encouragement. (Ironic this was ME today. After super, with bedtime still feeling way too far away, and Ben not due back for still a couple nights, I threw my kids in the ol'minni van, ended up in a friends drive way...she scooped-up what was left of me, got my kids entertained (always easier with other people's toys), her husband made us cookies, while I sat on her couched and cried. Yup, just due for a little cortisol release.

Women just need women. At least this one does.

As I discover this new blogging world (so many people tried to tell me, but I guess it just wasn't my time). I am amazed with the strong female voices. And the support and understanding we can find. It's crazy to think that a century or two back woman writers had to take on male names to get published. Now we can just log in and start putting our minds and hearts and experiences out there, to be heard and felt and related to.

I found this amazing post, that spoke to the writer in me...the little dormant writer who waited so patiently, trying to remember the sunlight, while she sat in the dark, tucked away under the dimness of more pressing "things to do". She's still adjusting. Squinting. Pupils anxious to open wide and take in the light.

And was she ever inspired by this post and the poem that is quoted, that I decided to post in it's entirety. Honestly read this:

LINK TO AMAZING POST

fav line? when human beings speak and other human beings listen, we all develop charity. And God is a big fan of charity.


LITANY FOR SURVIVAL
For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children's mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother's milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid

So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive

- Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn


Two of my fav lines?

standing upon the constant edges of decision


I'm so bad at decisions(ask my husband!)

learning to be afraid with our mother's milk

Maybe just cuz I'm nursing...no really I love how it sets a commonality. We all have our fears.

And we can all find a voice.

"because I have a voice!" King's Speech trailer...goosebumps every time at that part!Sorry couldn't resist, the scene kept playing in my head:)Probably just means it's late and I should go to bed.