3 am...

But not for the normal reason.

Ben has been needing, wanting, looking for a vacation for a while.

This is his off season at work, so he kept asking me but seeing as the school year is not my “off time” (when is that in mommy-life again?) I kept putting it off for this reason or that. 

He’d show me this resort or this flight, and I’d say, “But honey what are we doing with the kids?” So, on Friday he called with the perfect cruise, the only thing was it was for this week! “What about the kids?” He suggested a few friends and just asked me to see if they could. They could! I spent the next day waffling between being excited and feeling super spontaneous and shutting it all down with my more responsible side. I delayed long enough that we “missed the boat” and it sold out. I was good with it, I got a few hours of anticipation out of it and that’s my favorite part anyway.

Ben, on the other hand, is extremely task oriented and I could tell it was killing him that he’d vested time in to booking a vacation that wasn’t gonna happen.

Most men would say women “win” more, which I think they do, because I think there are lots of areas men don’t care as much about…paint colors, which restaurant to eat, what to wear for family pictures etc… so we “win” but at least in our marriage if the rare occasion rolls around where Ben wants something, he usually gets it. We’ve got a couple of iPads kicking around our house to back  up my theory.

So at midnight Friday we booked a different cruise. The literal last room on the boat leaving Monday!

So in the wee hours, we drove past our friends’ houses, our children (hopefully) sleeping peacefully inside (so far they have a much better track record sleeping when they’re staying with others...I figure it’s really is just meant to be my trial)

I have friends that don’t travel without their kids. As someone who has done both? With kids ain’t no vacation!

It’s bitter sweet really. The hardest but one of the more beneficial parts of leaving your kids? You realize how much you really do love them.

From the moment we knew we were going, my hugs have been linger-y. I couldn’t rub enough of Levi’s tubby skin, or caress his cheek enough times, or nestle his neck and breath him in worried that a week of walking (which he’s totally doing now) will melt away all his babyness and thrust him into toddlerhood, before I’m ready.

When you are with kids all day everyday, it’s hard to see them change. But I swear a few days a way, they grow, they change.

And while I can  “miss” that for a bit of honey time in the sun, I sure wouldn’t want to give up anymore of that. The privileged to constantly witness miracles. (if adults had to do the equivalent of walking; learning a new skill and failing as much as babies do falling constantly, I think we’d give up for sure, guess I’m no good at this, oh well.)

Yup, I love my kids. Someday I forget. But having to kiss them goodbye and feel my heart stings unravel and tangle all up, reminds me I really do.

PS I blame my kids too much for “ruining” my sleep. I just kinda suck at it. Here’s hoping the boat can rock me to sleep!