Sitting with my sisters

I already blogged about my anticipation of the Relief Society General Broadcast
and I'm just checking in to report, no disappointments!


But even more than the message (Although Pres. Uchtdorf''s was definitely a remember/re-read/stud and apply talk) this year I had a special experience just sitting there waiting for it to begin.

It's fun to see sisters form my "old ward" at stake things, so I was thinking back to some of those friendships and examples. Cherished moments and indelible lessons. (Realized I don't take enough pictures of everyday life with friends, trip or parties yes, but play group or girls night, things that happen regularly, I need to remember to snap a few shots of now and again too).

Then I felt blessed to be flanked with "new friends", again amazing sisters I'm already learning from and growing by mere association with. (Friends who I ended up sitting in the church parking lot with for a few more hours than our husbands expected, and we could have easily done a few more hours had our bursting bladders allowed it...and you don't mess with post baby bladder control, right ladies?!?)

I pictured my "phone friends" sitting in pews miles away, knowing we'll spend hours discussing insights and thoughts from this and next weekends General Conference. 


Already able to anticipate each others favorite parts, but also unaware of what other words of comfort or encouragement we'll end up drawing upon and quoting to one another on future "bad" days, or discouraging "witching hours".




Then, having served on Temple Square I thought of my sister missionary companions, again far away but somehow still tied to me, hearing the same council, their transfer-or-two-long influence magnified under our missionary mantles, so that even our brief periodes of service together reek of eternal significance and consequence. (I was gonna find pics of me and individual companions, but I realized that could quickly get out of hand, cuz I love them all so much!!!!)

   My mother, who saved me this week (our moms never stop saving us, do they?!)

Me (looking like McKye in a dress)

Me and Mom on our Washington
trip I haven't blogged yet!

distracting my kids with the fun of "GA-ma!" while mommy pulled her pathetic self back together. My mother regularly sees the worst version of me, and miraculously loves me still.

very pregnant in this picture (hence my poofy face)

My mother-in-law. My very own Naomi.  Our brains from the same box, our hearts equally drawn out, needly deeply to connect, to the Lord and others.













Then I let my mind float off seeing face after face of women in my life.

Those crazy Bowen girls.

My sisters (sharing the blood of the past, and memories of childhood, seeing ourselves in each others children, and our mother in each other).

My sister-in-laws (merging the blood of our futures, like combining recipes and holiday traditions)

Those I have visit taught, or have visited me, or visited with me, with that extra measure of tenderness that the Lord grants those willing to accept a stewardship.
Sisters who's lessons and comments and small acts of service have encouraged me with the possibility of becoming like them.

Sisters I've served with.
Who've helped me grow up.

Sisters I've played with.

When I don't feel like being grown-up

Sisters who I've agonized through pregnancies with...

and HAD babies with...

Sisters I have never met in this life, names on my family tree, who one day, I truly believe when the veil of my mortality is rent I will know of all the times they were here strengthening me unseen and I will be overcome with gratitude and love.

All this before the opening hymn.

Joseph Smith promised the Nauvoo Relief Society in1844: “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates” (Teachings, 1977, 226).


I associate with angel women every day. It is one of the greatest blessings of my life.
A blessing I truly cherish.




Lucy Mack Smith said, 

             "We must cherish one another,  comfort one another and gain instruction, 

that we may all sit down in heaven together."

It felt like a piece of heaven, there with my sisters, sitting together.





DISCLAIMER!!!!


I wrote this right after the broadcast, but them I delayed posting it, so I could add pictures, which I was taking too long doing, so all you ladies I love, who aren't featured in a picture...know I still love you immensely. 


I just needed to make dinner. 


I knew you'd understand.

The battle

"The men and women who desire to obtain seats in the celestial kingdom will find that they must battle everyday."
(Discourses of Brigham Young, pg 392.)


My battle happens in my mind. 


Somedays I feel like I'm loosing the battle. And my mind.


But when I'm honest with myself I usually know what's wrong.
My prayers and scriptures. They are the source, the foundation, they are everything, and without them influencing and "putting off the natural man" (Mosiah 3:19) I am left to myself. 


me with the Lord, pretty amazing...strong, energetic, capable.


me without Him, pretty pathetic...weak, unmotivated, full of paralyzing doubt and fear.


I have always loved this quote from President Spencer W. Kimball:

“I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns."

That was were the quote always ended. 
But today I found an additional sentence:

" I find myself loving more intensely those whom I must love with all my heart and mind and strength."

Back in my pre-mother life, me having a bad day didn't affect too many others. 
Now, me being crabby, angry, easily frustrated and volatile sure effects my kids. Poor things.
I spent the morning loosing it on McKye.  Thanks goodness they still love us, despite us.


For me, making sure to put in effort to maintain my spirituality is not a "extra", I can't (and don't) do what I need to do without His help. Left to my own, I kinda suck. (how's that for putting it poetically?).


Last week in Sunday school we were discussing "Grace"
We read in the bible dictionary


"It is...through the grace of the Lord that individuals through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means."


I didn't hear the rest of the lesson, just thought about that concept the whole time.


It's not grace and good works, they are both needed simotanesouly. We can't "maintain" goodness without grace's assistance. 


If I'm doing good, feeling kind and loving and acting nice to my family and others, it's because of grace. 


To be "gracious", isn't something I can train into myself, or set goals or modify my own behaviors and emotions. It's a gift. It's a result of coming unto Christ.


So if I want to be good and kind and loving (and I do) 
I need to come unto Christ each day.
Otherwise I will not be able to maintain, I will be left to my own means. I'll be alone. And, once again, I will suck.


With His grace though? 

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me"

 (Phil 4:13)

Even be mice to my kids.

"Lioness"

My dear sisters, I have a simple faith. 

I believe that as you are faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God,

 as you draw closer to Him in faith, hope, and charity, 

things will work together for your good.¹⁴ 

I believe that as you immerse yourselves in the work of our Father...

God will encircle you in the arms of His love.¹⁵ 

Discouragement, inadequacy, and weariness 

will give way to a life of 

meaning, grace, and fulfillment.

- Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I was feeling discouraged. I was feeling inadequate. I was feeling weary. 

I knew I needed to "draw closer" but I hadn't made the time, and I'd waited long enough to become a little desperate.

When ever I do that--wait to long-- I always expect the Lord to make me wait (to get even?)

But He never does. 

Even though I'd been weak and swirled around in my own negativity and pity for far too long, 

He was immediately ready (and willing) to succor me. 

like always. 

And every time, I'm amazed.

Even though I procrastinated really asking & really seeking answers, letting myself get worked up and full of anxiety instead of going to Him

There He was with exactly the right tender mercy to teach me (again)

that He knows me--

every thought, worry and concern

He knows and He cares. Cares enough to show me He cares.

The bible is big. And the Old Testament is full of some long sections of less-inspiring portions--he begats lists and cubit descriptions. And in all those pages the Lord knew I needed

to turned to Ezekiel 19, and read the word:

"lioness"

Ezekiel 19:2 And say, What is thy mother? A lioness:

 she lay down among lions, she nourished her whelps ...

The Lord knew I had already read about this metaphor in Sister Beck's talk, and that just one scripture would conjure up the image of strength, and hope and determination I needed.


"I have said lately that women are like lionesses at the gate of the home. Whatever happens in that home and family happens because she cares about it and it matters to her. 
She guards that gate, and things matter to that family if they matter to her.... If that lioness at the gate knows about renewing her baptismal covenants with God, she will be in sacrament meeting on Sunday, and she will prepare her children to be there... If the lioness at the gate knows about and understands missions, missionaries, and the mission of the house of Israel, she will prepare future missionaries to go out from that home. It is very difficult to get a lion cub away from a lioness who doesn’t believe in missions, but if the lioness believes in a mission, she will devote her life to preparing the cub to go out and serve the Lord. 
That’s how important she is. Service happens if she cares about it.

Sisters, you are each like the lioness at the gate. This means that there has to be some prioritizing."

Prioritizing. Making choices. Picking up my cubs and moving.
Protecting. Safe guarding. Here was what I knew I needed to do.
Here in this metaphor was the courage & inspiration to do what I had known all along.

"Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world’s goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to prepare a rising generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire world. Their goal is to prepare future fathers and mothers who will be builders of the Lord’s kingdom for the next 50 years. That is influence; that is power."

I am the lioness of my home. My vigilance is our protection. 


I protect. I protect our family. I protect our time. 
I protect our bonds. I protect our emotional reserves. 
I protect our spiritual strength and traditions. 
I protect our energies and ensure it is being spent in things that will bear eternal fruit.

I protect my "whelps".











"Taking care of our posterity takes precedence over all other things"
 Sister Beck's dying father

And those "little whelps" just want us! 

Need us to see them. To hold them. To believe they are worth it.
To see them as the "young lions" they can become and show them how to get there. 

And we need to see ourselves. See how strong we really can be.

Strong enough to make the hard choices, the right choices.

See ourselves as the Lord sees us and not give into lesser perceptions, 
from whatever source.

And as we see ourselves and our little lions as we really are, the direction and purpose will also become clear.
And believing we will get there.
That as we follow the Lord, 
He will always lead us, guide us and walk beside us.









Even if that guidance come in one word.
one answer to prayer.
one tender mercy at a time. 

Why I quote Julie B Beck all the time (and why next weekend is my favorite day of the year!)

If you've read this blog at all, you know I love Sister Beck. If someone asked me to name my heros, she would probably be high on the list.

But I "like" lots of people. Why do I quote her?


Because I believe she is our leader.


Because I know she was prepared to lead the women of this church.


Because she is bold and direct, and says what the Lord wants His daughters to hear.


Because she wants us to be and do the things Heavenly Father wants us to do and be, 
and she wants us to have power, more than she needs to be liked. (We love her, but popularity isn't her motive...you get it)


Because she loves us. Loves us enough to help us see where we need to grow, where we need to be strong and what we need to protect.


Because she has been chosen for this time, our very own "prophetess".


Because, just as I do the prophet, his councilors and the twelve apostles, 
I have a testimony of the female leadership of this church.


Which is why the General Relief Society Meeting this Saturday is my favorite day of the year (it beats my birthday, and may even tops Christmas...um maybe not, but even the consideration shows you how much a enjoy the broadcast)


I love gathering with my sisters and hearing counsel from our leaders (the "without kids" aspect, may be a perk). A few years ago I sat on a bench squished tight with sisters, all of whom I loved, sisters, who had become a part of my life and not just my ward. It had been cold in the chapel that evening and my one friend went and grabbed blankets out of the trunk of her car. We snuggled through the meeting and lingered probably longer than our husbands expected, not willing to leave the Spirit of unity, love and purpose we felt. 


What a good night.


In less than a week, I get more Julie B.


I spent this afternoon listening to Her latest talk at BYU Women's Conference
This is my favorite part (you should listen to it though, it's better than just reading it)




 "When our daughter had her baby recently, we brought home a 
number of grandchildren to our home and I volunteered to tend for five days. And I promise you giving this talk is easier than doing that! When I finally would get into bed at night, I would say to my husband, “I think I’m going to die! Every bone and muscle in my body hurts. How do they do this?” 
And then someone would wake up in the night and need something, and I didn’t get my 
sleep that I needed. And always it was just feeding, feeding people!
I learned that my mothering skills were a little out of date. My grandmother skills were okay, but I had to go into the mode of being a mother and I was a little out of practice. And that meant when we needed disciplining, and stopping crying, and things like that going on, I prayed a lot.   I couldn’t remember what I used to do in the olden days. And I thought the Holy Ghost is supposed to bring all things to our remembrance, and so maybe I’ll remember. So I kind of meshed up the mothering role with the grandmothering role, and in times of great stress I just fed a lot of cold cereal! I think they are still coming down from the sugar high, but it made people happy! So, anyway, it was wonderful to be reminded of what that work is like and what is involved, and what it entails, and what we need to do as a Church to support the actual labor that needs to go into a home and a family."


Love it! Love that on days when I'm not feeling very Julie B. Beckish, ie void of vision and lacking a sense of purpose amidst the exhaustion, I say too myself, even Sister Beck would resort to cold cereal at this point! (Typing the names Julie this much is making me think of the movie "Julie and Julia" which this post is starting to resemble in a funny way:)


I love how she gets to the heart of things.  From the same talk:

"One of the questions that I get frequently is, “Is it okay if I work outside of my home or I don’t work outside of my home?” You have to know that as an international, global, Relief Society
president, that question isn’t always appropriate in all of the world’s countries. There are many, many places where if our women don’t work, they don’t eat. So of course they have to work. The question of whether or not to work is the wrong question. The question is, “Am I aligned with the Lord’s vision of me and what He needs me to become, and the roles and responsibilities He gave me in heaven that are not negotiable? Am I aligned with that, or am I trying to escape my duties?”


Aligning with the Lord, is really what Relief Society (and the gospel) are all about.

So although I really do love Sister Beck...

Doesn't matter if its Emma, Eliza or Zina...

Bathsheba, Belle, Barbara or Bonnie...

It doesn't matter because each as they are called and serve are given the vision of Heavenly Father's daughters.

Sister Beck spoke of the blessing of that vision, when she said,

"I’m grateful for Relief Society, not only for its beginnings but for what it is today.
And I’m just beginning to have a glimpse of what the Lord has in mind for his daughters.
  The vision that comes to me sometimes is so glorious and staggering and humbling and thrilling. It is difficult to contemplate.
I am so grateful for the blessing I have had in my life to connect and know and be lifted up by strong, faithful, purposeful women who knew their identity in the kingdom of God and helped move His gospel forward. I’m grateful for those who have exemplified charity and have become
as the Savior is. I am thankful for this wonderful association and sisterhood which unites us in the Lord’s work."

I'm so excited to learn from our history.
When it was first announced, I admit I took a while to get excited
(I think I looked at Releif Society as progressing...beyond dollies and center pieces...and felt like looking back would mean... going back?
I was humbled and converted to the concept when a friend explained her sisters thoughts on the new RS curriculum.


"Those sisters didn't make excuses" (I have children, or my husband is away--for years as missionaries, not business trips) "they just did what needed to be done. "


Yup, it doesn't matter whether we're curling, back combing or straightening our hair, whether we're picking out petty-coats or panty-hoes for church, because the fundamental tests and trials of womanhood are eternally designed,
on going and forever relevant. 


Can't wait for Saturday.

A pair of brothers made for each other

There's one thing we definitely don't lack around here, and that's good old 
testosterone!


I've always said the reason Levi came so "padded" was for protection! 
All that sheer girth has been essential in surviving all his brother's "loves".


I know kids mal babies, but McKye and Levi have been full on wrestling now for a while! 
McKye lately loves to just grab a limb and pull! "Come on Levi let's go play over here!"
And Levi just laughs a long. He'll cry if it gets really outta hand, but for the most part he takes his brothers roughness like a....boy.


My little "tom-boy" at heart is slowly giving into the reality, there truly is a difference in ingredients in the "pink' bundles VS the "blue", cuz although we get a little "sugar and spice" once n a while, it's mostly "frogs and snails" (although I think that nursery rhyme out to be updated to "drool and noise and electronic toys!"


So here's a few things my two youngest sons have in common (already)


1. They move, move, MOVE!
My boys could jump on the tramp, and jump on each other and run run,run, all day every day. (Okay Levi doesn't run yet, but he does a mad bear crawl! And yes he already "jumps" on the tramp, climbs up by himself and lets his brothers bounce him about ...he may or may not have fallen off for the first time today, again thank goodness for the "padding")
They really are on the move all day long. I was describing Mckye at a circle song time to my friend, when he looked like he was totally NOT engaged but he showed a few times he was totally listening, just not sitting down and "paying attention" the way he was "suppose to". She said she just read something about how active kids busying that physical part of their brain, and how it actually helps them focus ( not to be confused with so called "multi-tasking" that professes to do tasks involving the same mental processes ie talking on the phone and trying an email, and realizing you stopped listening)


I see the boys that sit and draw or build elaborate lego creations  my brother was one of those..three sisters, no one to wrestle with?) and I think ...how do i get me one of those????


Number 2. Is wrestling
it is a hardwired. They honestly need it! Want it! the rough and tumble with Daddy, r each other a total delight. (which is great at home and a bit more tricky at the playground)
Ben and I watched McKye grab Levi around the waist and roll backwards over and over again, happily announcing his victory "Gaaa-tcha!" and they's both giggle. One time Levi ended up on top of McKye's arm, totally pinning his distressed brother, we being the god parents we are laughed and called it "Levi gotcha!!!!" it was hilarious.


This summer me and  the boys spent a week at a friends house with her and her two boys. I was a bit embarrassed at how rough I let mcKye be with Levi, but when i mentioned it, she, as ever helped me put things in perspective. "Sure McKye's rough, but I've noticed how aware he is of Levi, how often he notices his needs and thinks to bring him a toy if he's sad or share his fish crackers. He's really quite nurturing." Her comment made me pay attention and I really have seen McKye taking care of his brother, maybe not in a gentle 'little mommy' way but definitely in a "I got your back little bro" kinda way. I'm grateful for a her observation that's let me see bast the gruffness and see the hidden tenderness.


3. Electronics!
Anything with a screen, buttons..they're there. i think it's funny McKye assumes everything is touchscreen. He can open a window type"t" enter and play on his fav Treehouse sight, all by himself.  He probably maneuvers the iPad better than me. It's crazy how fast he picks up a device and figures it out.  


And he's quickly passing on the skills  to his willing-tutor of a little brother.

Teaching  Levi how to "swipe"

And a bit of wrestling to finish it off

4.Trains, planes, and sound effects!

Again, it's in the DNA.
There must be a reason why my 18 month old can pick up a sword and make perfect "swish", and my "machine gun" (according to my husband) sounds like a goat. 

This was Levi's "slobber-mobile" :

Every time Levi hears that video he fires up the ol' drool motor! So cute.


5. Last but not least, they really do love each other!

Look close for a little lick...thought posterity wouldn't wanna miss that!

It's not a perfect relationship. I mean Mckye went in three time outs in a row right after dinner for being mean to his little brother, but then after being out with his dad and their plane and Levi got left home alone with his boring-blogging mamma, it was such a sweet reunion: McKye "LEEEee-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi" in his best baby voice as he ran toward his brother, bear crawling as fast as he can his face having lit up the moment he saw his big brother was home.




I wondered about sending McKye to preschool this year, and by wonder I mean stressed and prayed. And when I prayed the answer i got was that him and Levi needed this year to be together. 


To be brothers. 
To wrestle. 
To make sound effects. 


And to become friends.


One week into that "plan" and I see the wisdom already.