Diapers on my path to faith.

Since it was mentioned in church, this conference talk "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ"   by Elder Kevin W. Pearson, has been in my thoughts. A lot. 

And when things are in my thoughts, they come out my mouth, to my friends on the phone and then they think and talk about them too. Which can be very helpful.

Elder Pearson's 6 Destructive D's

Doubt, Discouragement, Distraction, lack of Diligence, Disobedience adn Disbelief 

 were so apparent patterns in our day-to-day lives!!!

When I would catch myself wanting distractions I could think, hmmm, why am I feeling discouraged? Had I been diligent and obedient about tapping into true, Spiritual sources of encouragement? or was I setting up my expectations based on others, or what I thought I ought to be accomplishing? 

Elder Pearson explained, "Discouragement comes from missed expectations. Chronic discouragement leads to lower expectations, decreased effort, weakened desire, and greater difficulty feeling and following the Spirit"

My friend and me, struck by the reality of this "pathway"  of destructive D's

decided to try and figure the path out in reverse...a path we could choose that would lead us to  greater faith, or at least one we could make a u-turn on, if we recognized ourselves heading int he wrong direction.

We decided you start with belief. (not faith yet) 

Just a desire to believe, like we learn in the scriptures (Alma 32)

Then we just need to obey. Just do what we know we're suppose to. Even when we're feeling rotten or lazy, or tired. Even when we feel like we can't possibly get anything out of our scriptures, or have time for service, or even stay awake for long enough to mumble a prayer. 

Just do it anyway, just to be obedient.

Obedience will grow into diligence. This is where following commandments becomes more habitual in our lives, a part of life. Less of a duty and more of a part of life we look forward to.

Diligence (in prays, scriptures, service) bring us closer to the Spirit which offers us a greater vision, and increased focus. With this eternal perspective in mind, the worlds distraction become less appealing, and loose their hold on us, allowing us to break bad habits, and make better choices. 

The Spirit fills us with understanding, and yup...faith. 

Not some "out of our hands", mystical faith, but faith we can actively work towards, faith that can be given to us. An endowment for trying to follow the Saviour.

Elder Bruce R. McConkie taught: “Faith is a gift of God bestowed as a reward for personal righteousness."

Elder Pearson further encourages us with this concept of our ability to choose faith! 

Desire, hope, and belief are forms of faith, but faith as a principle of power comes from a consistent pattern of obedient behavior and attitudes. 
Personal righteousness is a choice. Faith is a gift from God, and one possessed of it can receive enormous spiritual power.
We do have a choice. We get what we focus on consistently.

So often I act as though I have very little control over how I'm feeling. I am a victim of my own discouragement and dependent on my own favorite distractions. I don't want to admit that my own lack of diligence is at the root. 

I mop around thinking "If I can just get my closets to look like this bloggers" or "my wardrobe to be as cute as this friend" or my children as well behaved as this neighbour", or "my writing to be as clever as so and so..."

How can I be so quick to forget that the only true source of encouragement, of hope, or strength is the Saviour and my own willingness and determination to align myself to His Will for me!

I forget. But the moment I tap back in. 

The instant I finally give in and kneel, 

or open my scriptures, instead of another widow on my laptop. 

He flows back in. 

So close.

So ready to help.

And gives me light. 

(Which I then "high-light"  :)

Today he gave me these...

To let me know my labours aren't in vain, even though the laundry's never-ending, 

&my kids can make messes faster than I can deal with them.

That I can be content. That I can learn to love the up s and downs, the days of abounding, and the days of hunger and need. I think I thought "All things" meant great, or hard things. Today it meant a variety of seemingly small things, and things that are repetitive and relentless in their dailyness. It meant, I can stay calm when McKye is a booger, and I can find the humor in  yet another colosal mess, that I can keep  trucking along with Aaron, despite feeling totally burnt out with it all. 

I can. 

With Christ strengthening me. I can do anything He requires. 

But  He gets to choose. Not me.  

And finally, this:

"Let this mind be in you, which was also in Jesus Christ...[who] made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant"

Like a mom. 


As I read that (Phil 2:7), all I could think/feel was I'm choosing to be like Christ. How can I bemoan the my life as mundane, when I have the chance to try and learn to serve continually as Christ did?  Suddenly, the things I do everyday of "no reputation", like fishing the dirty diapers out of the toilet bowl (again),  ceased to be merely gross, inconvenient and unfair, but they became opportunities to humble myself, in a submission that one day may change me enough to lead to my own exaltation. 


How grateful I was, that I decided to stop and "recalculate" my journey towards  doubt and discouragement, and instead said, 


"Lord, help be find a path of faith, and focus instead."


I still had to clean up the diapers. But somehow it wasn't so bad.

Amusement parks and Relief Society Manuals

What gets me through the dishes:)

Sister Tanner, who wrote the new manual Daughters of my Kingdom, speaks in 
this mormon channel episode about her process. 


It's short. I've listened to it a few time now, loading the dishwasher.  And bits of it have lingered with me.


She says this book's purpose is to get the women of the church from where they are, to where thy need to be.


She describes feeling stuck, and having a dream
 (abotu 6 minutes in)
"I am not prone to having dreams," she explained, "that I can even remember, but I had a very vivid dream in this place where I was stuck."







She discribes going on a hike, following someone,  but she looses sight of them and ends up 
lost in an amusement park.


"I couldn't see any way out, I could see over the walls at where I needed to be, but couldn't figure out how to get there."


She decided maybe this dream meant that she needed to lay aside some of the amusements of the world, so she could have the Spirit of the project again. 


She then almost immediately felt,  "Maybe this isn't just an allegory for me, but this is an allegory, for the women of the world or the sisters in the church that they have allowed the amusements of the world to encroach upon them...they're lost in an amusement park, and they need to lay aside the things of this world and seek for the things of a better.
That felt like, again that originall injunction that we need to get the sisters in the church form where there are to where they need to be."

This world is so noisy, so flashy, so full of things we can constantly be reading , checking, viewing. 


Things that dont' really feed our souls, or make us grow. 


I don't think this was meant in a accusatory way. We all get sucked in to the cares and values of this world. I think it comes as a gentle invitation, to follow the Saviour, away from the noise, away from the clamour and find greater peace and purpose. 


There is so much good to take in, and we live in an age when there is endless accessibility to interesting things. But we are also warned again adn again to not let the good, crowd out the best. 


I love how the women who wrote of a constitution for the women in church,  (with their oh-so- womanly way: seeking for ways to improve,  serve and gather) were told by Joseph Smith that the Lord had "something better" (see chapter 2, in Daughters of my Kindgom)


When he did organize them, shortly there after, he left them with a promise,  
"If you live up to these principles how great and glorious!—if you live up to your privilege, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates. … If you will be pure, nothing can hinder."

Joseph Smith

If you remember back (to this post) my word for myself this year is "purify".

Things that are impure have fillers and additives, things that aren't essential, that sometimes aren't even real. 

What amusements are tainting my life? what is robbing me, even of just the time I could spend in more soul satisfying pursuits? Learning of the Lord, or serving and loving His children.

That is what pure sources offer, true satisfaction.

Sister Eliza R Snow said the Holy Ghost “satisfies and fills up every longing of the human heart, and fills up every vacuum.  I am filled with that Spirit,” she continued, “my soul is satisfied, and I can say in good earnest, that the trifling things of the day do not seem to stand in my way at all. But just let me lose my hold of that spirit and power of the Gospel, and partake of the spirit of the world, in the slightest degree, and trouble comes; there is something wrong. I am tried, and what will comfort me? You cannot impart comfort to me that will satisfy the immortal mind, but that which comes from the Fountain above. And is it not our privilege to so live that we can have this constantly flowing into our souls?”

There is so much in my life that doesn't satisfy....really. Things that, even though "not bad" have me "partake in the spirit of the world"  just a bit too much. That, to use Joseph Smith's wording "hinder" me.

This scripture story reminds me of one of my favorite songs.

And leave me feeling lost in an amusement park, wandering, instead of purposefully following my Master in the paths He would have me take.

I think He's always walking with us, but like the disciples on the road to Emmaus, maybe we don't always recognizing Him there. 

If we can get away from the distractions....

In RS today we learned about the Six Destructive Ds—doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief from this talk. 

I found it very interesting that distraction came after discouragment. I know in my life when I seek distraction most, is when I haven't sought as diligently for the encourgement of the Lord and His Spirit.

I'm grateful for Daughters in My Kingdom, not just as a new resource (yet another manual) but as a gift from our Heavenly Father, that has the power, specifically to help women, like me, who are trying to get from where I am to where I need to be--which is beside my Savior, close enough to feel His power, His mercy and His help.  And His love. 


Because we're not meant to do it alone.  

30th birthday Part I: Musings

I have thought maybe a bit too much about this birthday. 


At first I thought, maybe I'm just more vain than I thought! (I do feel like I came into myself a little in my twenties from my bushy-browed, no idea how to dress, long hair was doing nothing for you high school self..ah what did Benny see in me). I admit I have wondered if I've "hit my prime" looks wise. My friend with "older" sisters assures me they look better than ever! Less sleepless nights, little more time to themselves. And then I thought of my "older" friends, and they're all gorgeous!  Regardless, I think I knew it was something deeper than grey hairs and laugh lines.


Not it at all.


And then it came to me.


It's because to this point, it was easy to think about who I wanted to be...one day. All excited and hopeful, but kinda non-commitally(?) Yet, with this birthday has come the nagging feeling that I better start being her, not one day but now! Not that life is over (by any means), but that the time for good intentions sorta is.


In the words of a very wise (and fairly forthright) women I love: 
"You ain't gonna be a nice old lady, if you ain't trying to be a nice young one."


I stumbled upon this and then this, both beautiful birthday posts, by a beautiful lady I've loved learning things from as I in this past year (finally) tiptoed into this amazing blogging world. 


Her self-acceptance and self-relations were so soft and kind. Like a little note from a friend would be, except it was from herself. 
And that made me think this year I'd like to become my own good friend. 
To only tell MYSELF things I would tell a good friend. So that even if there's some needed honestly I would deliver it gently,with lots of love.


Pres. Uchtdorf (apparently my fav as of late) so kindly reminded us:

Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself. 

Okay so in the spirit of those posts that inspired me so much
DA da da DAAAAA!

things I've learned.

me:30

1. People like me. Not everyone. But in general I am a likeable person. 
I've spent...well, let's see now, 30 years I guess...doubting my like-ability, always assuming people didn't like me, second guessing people's intentions, and doubting new friendships. All springing from my own insecurities, which blinded me to the generosity and goodness of so many around me, stuck in my own issues. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. It's so much better to focus on others and let them know what you see in them, and show gratitude for who they are and stinkin' forget yourself already. Insecurities may still be there, but I've learned we need to just push through, instead of letting them hold us back and just assume the best of people (including ourselves) Because people are so good. 


2. A good playlist can replace hours of counseling/cry sessions/general moodiness.
This lovely lady has sung me through a lot of moods this past year.


3. Friends...hmmmI can't even think of a way to express strongly enough how important, and life-saving good friends are to the quality and joy in my life. 
But I've also learned other people usually can say it better than me, so I'll let Sister Hinckley take this one (seeing as I count her one of my "friends", as I've learned so much from her life;)

“We are all in this together. We need each other. Oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young, and hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old...We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other. These friendships are a necessary source of sustenance. We need to renew our faith every day. We need to lock arms and help build the kingdom so that it will roll forth and fill the whole earth.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I've learned it is totally worth building "deep and satisfying and loyal friendships" (and it's also okay to say goodbye to relationships that just never seem to get there...they may re-surface later)


4. Figuring out what you want ( and actually asking for it) can take some effort, but it's worth it.People who truly care will respond, because they want you to be happy as much as you want to be happy.


5. I don't hafta take the best pictures, or write the best blog, the process just has to be mine, and that is what will make it of value.


6. Learned this again today from Rhonda 



A friend and I were talking about comparison, and how back in the day women compared themselves to women on their block, and now (via lots of media sources) we have a whole world of women to compare ourselves to. 


Not to mention see what everyone else is doing. 

I've learned I'm happiest doing what is most important for me and my family and not anyone else's. 

I've learned a lot about it being okay to be different.

That even though I'm blessed with some wonderful friends who tend to think a lot like me, I can learn just as much, if not more, from people who think and feel differently. If I'll really listen.

7. Nothing feels as good as increasing others joy.


8. Me and Ben make thee cutest kids, hands down, period. 


9. Being a mom isn't who I am, but it has contributed more than anything else in my life to who I hope to be. I look into these boys eyes and feel them inviting me to be better. I'm there everything, and I'm so unworthy of it. I am so imperfect and yet they forgive and forget all my spazing, and love me just for being theirs (I know this won't always be so, but I need to hold their image of me now, and try to always live up to it).


10.I've learned that rockin out to the Goofy Movie soundtrack does not make me immature, it makes me awesome.  (Tevis Campbell's biggest fan! Go ahead click it, i know you want to! mid-ninties rock at it's finest)...this one probably only came to mind due to this morning iPod shuffle.


11. I've learned that a good chat can get you you through even the worst of days.
And that I was meant to be a mom in the days of wahing machines, long distance phone calls, and microwaves.


12. We should hug more. And longer. (All this supposed awkwardness if starving us emotionally...Aaron taught me that one.)


13. It's okay to spend money on myself. (okay I'm still learning this one, but I'm getting better)


14. I've learned that although romantic love tends to get more attention, it will never surpass the glory of everyday concern and caring. "We love those we serve." And Ben may not be Mr. big gestures, but he serves me unceasingly. Even if we try and pass off diaper changing duties, or really wish the other person would get up to attend to which ever child decided to wake up this time...really, when it comes down to it, Ben would do anything for me. And I would do anything for him.


15. I've learned a lot of happiness is too be found in managing (identifying, owning, adjusting, expressing etc etc) our expectations.


16. I've learned I don't like shell fish, but I do love fish. And that I'm horrible at deciding what I want off a menu. Horrible. 


17. I've learned I probably don't need as much sleep as I think, but I've also learned you simple can not discredit the effect of exhaustion. Sometimes a nap is the ONLY way to make it better. 


18. I've learned (okay I'm stil working on this one too) you can't please everyone. You can try really hard, but it just ain't gonna happen. And if you manage to please the majority, feel really good about that. 


19. I've learned that you have to redefine "success" day by day. 


20.I've learned that the temple is always a good choice. I'd think maybe I should go to the temple and then vacillate, everything else vying for time too. I've never once regretted going, but I sure have regretted not going, so I shoudl just go.


21. I've learned that  for being a "talker" I'm not very good at prayer. But I'm pretty good at directing my thoughts to God (kinda like my phone friends I carry around the house, often chatting, but sometimes just "being there"). I'm workin' on my kneeling prayers, but right now my driving, cleaning, folding laundry prayers tend to be my "best chats" with Father.


22. I've learned their are may ways to camouflage pride. And many we do unwittingly. I'm trying to figure mine out, so I can illuminate them, and be humble instead. Aren't humble people your fav?


23. I've learned "growing out" my hair is a waste of time. I just suffer though the awkward stage until I inevitably give in. I like this hair cut and I'll probably die with it. 


24. I'm learning right now, I'm ridiculous... this post is JUST fine, but I see how close
 I am to 30 and can't help myself from going on. Bear with me folks.


25. My fav topic is the gospel. There is just so much to it and anything worth anything is connected to it.


26. I've learned yelling does NOT make me feel better. Wish it did. But it doesn't.


27. I've learned am learning that all my kids want is ME. My attention, my adoration, my lap, I can offer them "substitutes" all day and fail, until I "give in" and "give" them me (undivided).


28. I am always learning and constantly amazed at the versatility of the word of God. It has endless messages for our Spirits, personal and perfect, every time.


29.  I've learned (/admitted) that words are my passion, whether they're my own, or song lyrics or good movie quotes, I live for hearing things described in unique ways that make me understand things better then I did. 


30. but I've also learned the best things are indescribable.

like maybe all the things I've learned in 3 decades of life!
oh well I gave it a shot.

Listography! List 55: Things I like to do when I'm alone:

I rather like being alone. As a child I remember walking the perimeter of the playground, thinking up little songs to myself. As a teenager I spent a lot of time in my room. Although now I consider myself fairly social (some of which I've really had to teach/force out of myself) 
but deep down their is certainly a need for solitude.


A need that right now as a mother of young children tends to get back-burnered.
But if I ever DO get a chance to be alone, here's some things I'd love to do!


1. Shower and/or go to bathroom (usually these both happen with at least one child crying at the door, that is if I have the audacity to shut them out!)


2. Blog (I have an ever-growing list of "drafts" waiting to be finished). Writing is something I love, but it does take a certain degree of concentration, and alone is best. But I take what I can get. So if my typos and gramatical errors are driving you bonkers, please know I was probably in the midst of tuning out three little boys and all the clammer they can produce, so please forgive me. 


3. One of my favorite places to be alone is in the car. I think this is because I am captive. There is nothing for me to clean (well my van is filthy but who can clean whilst driving?) 
I love cranking music and singing along--loud. I usually sing til I cry, and then up the beat til I laugh...it's a manic mess to be sure full of delicious inhibition. This works best at night of course, so the dark prevents other drivers from becoming too concerned about the crazy women apparently having some sort of mental breakdown.
I also listen to a lot of talks in the car. Best place to ensure my full attention. 
Long Alberta highways are so cathartic.


4. Read. Preferably outside. I think I should read in the winter more (snuggled by the fire perhaps?) but summers is in actuality when I get through more books. In my house there are endless distractions, tidying this or that, dealing with kids demands--inevitably my best intentions to read get thwarted. But in the summer I can plop on the swing (in essence our outdoor couch, and best piece of furniture we've ever purchased!) and get lost in good writing, while the kids happily wander about the yard or jump on the tramp. But I need to stop or I'll get all piny for summer. 


5. Yoga or a good run--depending on my need. Do I need to center myself and calm my mind? Or do I need to hit the pavement and get my restless body occupied so the stress can find it's way out with my panting breaths? I do neither of these as often as I should. Do to the lack of alone time? Yoga, especailly with kids around is less effective, because if you are anywhere near the floor, you bet your kids are right on top of ya!


6. Eat...yummy snacks I'd rather not share.


7. People watch. Especially if I'm traveling alone.
 I like to assemble my own Lost "cast" if we crashed.


8. Watch movies I know Ben would hate. Slow emotional/and or artsy ones. Ones with lots of talking or just  looks that "say it all". Ones with no car chases, no fight scenes or dumb girls (not to say that's what Ben likes, just painting some polar opposites for you). The day of my last class of my first year at University I took myself on a date, rode the bus to the cheap theaters and saw a movie all by myself. It was delightful.


9. Be in nature. I'm still such a rural girl at heart, and spend so much time growing up outdoors. There is still a big part of me that craves staring up at star-lite nights, or unhurried clouds. I long to give my kids this same appreciation...


9. Think. A little deeper. Or a little broader. Or just at all. I'm grateful for rare quiet moments where the Lord can impress upon my heart and mind messages He's been trying to "get through to me". 


To know I'm never really alone. And for Him to tell me who I really am.

... It may seem odd to think of having a relationship with ourselves, but we do. Some people can’t get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential.

                                                                ----Pres Uchtdorf 

Just keep swimming...

Thanks Dory. I appreciate the encouragement.


Problem is, I've just never been a very good swimmer. 


I have friends, half-mermaid I swear, who's favorite most relaxing place to be is floating in a pool. Grace filled strokes cascading them along, rhythmic almost indiscernible ripples calmly framing their serenity.


Not I. 


There's just a little bit of panic the whole time. An edge of foreboding that at any moment my limbs, (which although sufficiently capable if I'm on a run, mysteriously rendered awkward and flimsy the moment they're submersed in water) could give out at any second.


Seriously, despite many a swim lesson, my doggie paddle is just enough to keep my head above water, and not comfortably or confidently. A knot in my gut, a constant awareness of the distance to the ledge.


I don't drown. I can swim. 
But it's far from effortless and thereby not quite into the realms of enjoyment.  
Their is too much fear, born of doubt. 
Doubt of my skills and my strength. Strength to keep going-- 
which in the middle of a pool isn't really an option. 


So I just keep swimming. 


Why am I sharing this embarrassing tidbit of my aquatic limitations?


Because today, I sat at the edge of the pool watching Aaron at his swim lessons. 
That all too familiar, debilitating panic in his eyes. 
A distrust of of his own capabilities. 


And I suddenly thought that's how I feel. 
Just on the verge of drowning. 
Frantically kicking, arms aching and getting nowhere. 
Enough to keep my head above water.
Enough anxiety to keep me treading.
Afraid to stop. Sure I will sink.




Jealous of those that seem to be floating along, smoothly, with ease. 
Closing their eyes, taking it all in, instead of paddling like a maniac. 


Dont worry. 
I'm mostly tired. As always.


I feel strong and sure in some areas. 
More confident in my arms ability to hold a downward dog than a forward crawl. 
My legs run without concentration but kicking through chlorine overwhelm them. 
Teach a lesson? sure. Try and delegate or organize anything? inevitable disaster.
Think and write about being a mother? sure. Actual do it? some moments are better than others. The failures always threatening to crowd out the triumphs.
New areas of growth, calling on unsure, and unused muscles, that ache in their frail youngness. Infantile. Beginner. And for now weak.


Just keep swimming. 
Dory makes it sound so easy.


I do know one thing.
The water of life is not going to shallow anytime soon.
I can not sit in the kiddie pool of experience and convince myself I'm a swimmer 
when I'm only blowing bubbles.
I have to keep swimming. Take a deep breath and put my head under.
And trust.


Trust I will surface. Maybe even surprise myself with how far I've come from where I dove.
I'm gonna get mighty tired trying to doggy-paddle life.
I need to submerge into the depths, and forget about the ledge. I don't need it. 


Just keep swimming. 


Thanks Dory. 


I watch Aaron and I know he can do it. I also know that if he started to sink, I'd catch him. 
I'm right there. 


How quickly I forget and think I have to do it on my own.
How soon I doubt and fear and take my eyes of the Lord.

Ha! I don't even have to swim! I can just walk on water! Sweet!


The moment I heard this quote from Pres. Monson I knew it was one I'd have to remember. 
One worth repeating everyday.

Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow." 

So tomorrow, friends, I will just keep trying.
And just keep swimming.