Some thoughts on Family photos (complete with family photos!)

 It's been a beautiful fall and I kinda wanted some autumn family pictures. 
Sooooo, I coordinated some outfits and handed my sister the camera at Thanksgiving and told her to take our picture. She did good huh!

Best of McKye

Best of Aaron...

 And everyone starts getting tired.... (me and Ben still holding strong!)

 A little location change down the block...

 Then I took some of my boys. 
My beautiful, funny, love them so much boys.

Just about to call it quits, 

when a ladybug got me some nice candids, 

and started a whole whack-load of pictures of these crazy brothers...

 My handsome Benny, patiently enduring pictures,
this was just me setting up the shot, but I kinda love it of him.

 There. Fall photos. Mommy is happy again... for a while ;)

A few things have made me think about family pictures lately.

You see, this beautiful girl, had asked me to take her wedding photos, and I was feeling horribly out of practice and therefore very, VERY nervous.

So I decided to do a few family shoots for a couple friends, to get all practiced up and remember what it feels like to take a non-iPhone photo! Had so much fun with these awesome mommas and each of their families, trying to get that "framable shoot" along with some unique ones to capture the unique relationships and characters within each of their homes.

Well, the big day came and a morning full of wet, dreary, snow was not making me feel any better. I was rounding up umbrellas determined to still shoot outside.
In the end, these two were so cute and practically glowing with their young love their was just no messing it up.

And even though the weather ended up cooperating (other than it still be pretty cold, forcing us to run and warm up in the car a lot) we still used the umbrellas as props in a couple shots.

But it was at their family dinner where I really started thinking about family photos, histories, journals. 

Kaleena's parents have both passed away and her family wanted very much for their presence to be felt. Her older sister went through her mom's journals and dad's life history, letters anything where their voices and feelings were captured. Then they had a beautiful slide show with family photos and excerpts from their writings being read by voices representing them. 

The effect was beyond touching. 

Her mother over and over again expressing gratitude for her children and the great joy that being their mom brought her. 

Her dad, giving wisdom and advice in loving, fatherly concerned ways. 

 All the while images fading in and out: everyone in Christmas sweaters, the family at the beach, awkwardly posed by the side of the road by some landmark during that epic family road trip. 

As the one in our family, usually requesting these photos be taken "K, guys everyone look this way!" The slideshow made me think, yup, as annoying as they may seem in the moment, they matter. 

On our trip to Disneyland last month, I reminded my kids every morning, "What is Mom's favorite part?" And they'd reply "pit-chures!"

And so I constantly rearrange, back up and organize all the incoming jpegs, and lug the camera around, endlessly clicking. 

I coordinate the outfits and make everyone suffer through another session of "Bretzke family photos"...because to me it matters. 

I type on this blog (not as often as I should), so that one day when my kids need to hear my voice tell them how much I love them, it will be here.

Cuz I do.

I am grateful and humbled by everyday I get to squeeze your little hands (singing Beatles songs) and request little kisses from your tiny perfectly puckered lips. Grateful to watch you grow. To see your wonder and excitement at the world I tend to forget is so phenomenal. 

It is an honor to be your mom. 

And as I sit at the computer and watch the random pictures scroll on the screen with pictures of you learning to walk or various past birthdays, I'm reminded, it's not gonna last forever. At least not like it is now. You and me. A little world, so tight and often messy but oh so good.

That one day, it'll be me sitting looking through photos, left to them and the memories they illicit. 

Or maybe it will be you, looking through photos, hopefully glad I was your mom. 

Which reminds me I have photo books to catch up on!

Even if every photo I ever took was deleted I hope you will always remember this:

I love you!

You were meant to be mine. And I'll never stop loving you, because an eternity together sounds 

just right.

PS Thank you Kaleena, for the privilege of playing a little part in this new beginning in your forever family! I know your parents were smiling just as big as you and Justin!

The Weird summer my husband was home

The first summer I became a mom, my Benny worked til 2 in the morning.
I haven't celebrated our beginning of May wedding anniversary on our anniversary, since the first one.
Two summers ago he was gone...hmmm...May...and September... and half the days of the months in between.

Now, I'm not complaining.
In fact, I'm pretty darn proud of myself for figuring out what could of been (and was really) a pretty tough thing.

And then somewhat  in response to my hinting"if things don't change your gonna hafta find a new job!" (subtle huh) Ben took a pay cut and they hired a co-regional to work beside him.
He couldn't have picked a better guy (even more of a workaholic than MY husband--shocking right?!!)
And things really have eased up. That and a few changes about the way travel gets reimbursed and suddenly I find myself with a husband sleeping beside me in our un-air-conditioned therefore sweltering bedroom.  And...

It's weird.

Please don't interpret this as me not loving my husband. Because I do.

But I got good at my single-parent-summers. We had a groove and I feel like all summer I've been just a little thrown off.

It's what I wanted. It's the change our family needed. The boys have adored having more Daddy time.

But I just haven't quite figured it out. And I know at the twilight of summer when I'm finally putting my finger on it a bit (just in time to forget before next summer!)

The reality it when Ben was away, it didn't matter if the house was a disaster, or if the laundry was behind (we were just putting our swimsuits back on and heading out again anyway). It didn't matter that we rarely even thought of dinner and ate out of the cooler lakeside or ransacked it for leftovers while we watched Blue's Clue's smelling of sun screen and mud.

Now, before you conjure up in your minds my husband as some sort of "dinner on the table women!" tyrant, he's about the farthest thing from it. I marvel at the man's ability to honest-to-goodness have very little "expectations on life" at all let alone his wife (who has enough expectations to make up for his lack!) He could care less.

But I care. I work hard to show him love with the little things-- like keeping his laundry caught up just like he shows me love working to support us.

But I can't seem to do both. (I expect I should...but my expectations are usually unrealistic).

I know it looks like just "play" but every mamma knows just how much WORK it takes to give your kids a good time. The continual packing and lugging of bug-spray, sunscreen, towels, snacks, water-bottles, floaties,  more snacks and just a few more snacks. It's exhausting. But it's so worth it.
I have my photos as proof that my children did indeed have a good childhood, so don't you forget it!

Maybe next summer I'll have it worked out a bit more.

I think Amy hit it on the head in one her facebook statuses a while back. She basically said every time she decides it's time to buckle down and get some house stuff take care of, instagram is a blaze with families out making beautiful summer memories, but then the next time she intentionally leaves the house stuff and takes off with her kiddos, facebook is full of ladies who organized every closet in their house!

Found this talk  pretty comforting:

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven” (Eccl. 3:1). 

We may sometimes wonder how we can possibly accomplish all we want to in life when so many voices seek our time. The voices come from people we love and respect; the activities they encourage are commendable and important. But that’s the problem: How can we possibly do everything?

The key is realizing that each situation has to be prayerfully considered—that what may be right in one situation may not be applicable in another. In seeking priorities, we should determine which option is the most important in specific instances...

In response to the question “How can we possibly accomplish all we want to in life when so many voices seek our time?” we must set our priorities as we counsel with the Lord in prayer so that the many demands are phased into our lives according to the proper time and season. Then we can be pleased with what we are able to do as we happily seek to do it, rather than always being frustrated about what we are unable to accomplish. We can seek to find balance in our lives by being “anxiously engaged in a good cause” (D&C 58:27) and thereby overcoming many depressing moments. Whether our lives become a harmonious hymn or noisy turmoil depends on how we conduct the timing and intensity of the voices seeking our time. Applying these general principles to our specific circumstances will help us attain what the prophet Joseph Smith said is “the object and design of our existence”—happiness (see Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 255).

I like it. Maybe I'll figure it out...next summer ;)

Primary songs: I just love em!

For the last couple weeks, after we lost our AMAZING music chorister 
I've been filling in and doing the music in primary.

I love the primary songs. 

They are so powerful. 
So pure and simple. 
Eternal doctrines are set forth, carried into the hearts of our little ones by the beautiful melodies, nestled in their minds, ready to be recalled by the Spirit in time of need, 
or strength or comfort. 

Primary songs have been and integral part of my own conversion and I am continually grateful for their influence on my life and that of my family. (For those less familiar with these beautiful songs, I've provided links with lyrics as well as the option to listen to children's voices singing them)

I remember walking to my first day of university, so nervous, feeling so insignificant in what was the largest crowd I'd ever been a part of. I remember envisioning the Lord's hand in my and singing in my mind "Heavenly Father are you really there?" And knowing He was, knowing He knew me personally even if my professors would not.

I remember, as an EFY councillor singing the words "We will be the Lord's missionaries"and knowing that very moment that I should serve a mission, a decision I'm grateful for everyday.

I remember driving to the temple on my wedding day, singing "Teach me to walk in the light of His love" and "I will follow God's plan for me" knowing the I was on His path and feeling His love as I took this step towards the plan He had for me.

The primary songs served as my repertoire of lullabies and I have rocked my babies to sleep humming "Jesus once was a little child" and reassuring their little spirits, so fresh from heaven's realms, that they were still "a Child of God", that He had sent them here dn given them this home, and that I was determined to be the kind of parent the Lord intended them to have.

I remember one particularly challenging night. I had already been up for hours with Aaron, when baby Levi awoke, needing more from his already depleted mother. I was exhausted, from more than one night of this routine, and when I get over-tired, my brain goes into overdrive and I'd started contemplated all of my perceived struggles now and in the future. I was slowly giving way to thoughts and feelings that told me, I just couldn't do this, that it was just too hard. Just as I started to get completely overwhelmed, I started singing "He sent His Son" I thought, to help settle my fussy baby. Instead I was the one calmed, and soothed by the simple lyrics, testifying of the Saviour and all He has done for us. When I sang the closing line, "What does the Father ask of us? What do the scriptures say?
Have faith, have hope, live like his Son, 
help others on their way." It was so clear. This was what the Lord required of me, all He required, and He would  help me.

Now I lay with my "big boy" Levi and we sing together every night, 
"Lead me, guide me, Walk beside me."

I smile when I hear McKye beating his drum in the playroom drums to a rather rocking version of  "We have been taught and we understand, that we must do as the Lord commands!" 

I feel so good about Ben wanting both of us to lay with Aaron each night and let him pick songs from the singalong App, for us to sing to him while we cuddle and he watches the little ball bounce on the words, he may not sing, but he still can feel.

And I chuckle every time I'm trying to get my rambunctious  boys to be obedient by singing "I will go! I will do!" complete with muscles poses to represent spiritual strength (and appeal to their testosterone ;) 

I'm pretty sure there is nothing that brings me as much joy or hope as hearing my children singing primary songs.

Yesterday in Senior Primary, I asked the children to tell me which songs really helped them feel the Spirit. As we sang each of them and talked about how thy made us feel and what truths each taught,  we enjoyed a sweet but powerful Spirit.

Love was Spoken Here was one a few children mentioned. 

1. (Girls) I see my mother kneeling with our family each day. 
I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. 
Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears, 
And I am thankful love is spoken here. 
2. (Boys) Mine is a home where ev'ry hour is blessed by 
The strength of priesthood pow'r, 
With father and mother leading the way, 
Teaching me how to trust and obey; 
And the things they teach are crystal clear, 
For love is spoken here. 
[3rd ending] I can often feel the Savior near 

When love is spoken here.

This morning on my walk, I listened to the mormon-tabernacle choir sing this beautiful song.  And was inspired all over again.

I was impressed with how it's musical arrangement into parts is very much like the roles of mother and father. Distinct, each with a different melody and feel, 
 but together, that much more powerful as the harmonies combine and highlight one another.




I want my children to "see their mother kneeling" to have their fears quieted by my faithful whispers to my Lord I love. 

I want our home to be blessed every hour by the Lord's power.  I want to lead with Ben in united, loving ways that make our commitment to the Lord evident, even "crystal clear" so there can be no doubt that we trust and love the Lord and that they can too.

I want to feel the Saviour near-- often.
And singing beautiful primary songs sure helps. 

Jesus is real to me

A while ago I posted this picture of McKye at breakfast and as a caption wrote down our little conversation that morning:

We stayin here today? 

Yup. 

We not goin' to a new house? 

No, Do you want to go to a new house? 

No. This one's good. The Holy Ghost is here. And Jesus too.

It's cute right? 

They real story,  of course, (before you conjure up any inaccurate depictions of our ever-spiritual home) is that he and his little brother have been full out fighting NON-STOP , and I in my desperation had resorted to doctrine (which is suppose to change behaviour quicker right Pres. Packer??!?!) So we've been talking A LOT about trying to help the Holy Ghost be able to be in our home and how if we are kind we will feel Him more and be a happier family.

Well, I can't really report that the fighting has gone down too much. 

There might be slightly more giggling before the screaming begins, mid-wrestle.  

(Those of you with rough and tumble boys...please tell me this is all normal???) 

But that little breakfast conversation made me feel like at least 

something was sticking (other than the yogurt covered cheerios...which by the way is delicious  Ben thinks it's weird but I've convinced my kids to love like me.)

Huh, that's kinda like teaching the gospel. (Really Cheerios in yogurt is gonna be the big metaphor of this blog post??? I must be outta practice!)

But really, if you love something, if your kids see you partaking of something, enjoying it, that has the power to influence them.

I love how Elder Holland put it, in this powerful talk:

"Live the gospel as conspicuously as you can. 

Keep the covenants your children know you have made. Give priesthood blessings. And bear your testimony! Don’t just assume your children will somehow get the drift of your beliefs on their own. The prophet Nephi said near the end of his life that they had written their record of Christ and preserved their convictions regarding His gospel in order “to persuade our children … that our children may know … [and believe] the right way. 

...Brothers and sisters, our children take their flight into the future with our thrust and with our aim.... 

Be believing. Keep loving and keep testifying. Keep praying. Those prayers will be heard and answered in the most unexpected hour. God will send aid to no one more readily than He will send it to a child—and to the parent of a child."

And yet, in all our efforts to lead and teach,  our Saviour admonishes us 

"Behold, your little ones."

They have so much to teach us about faith, and believing and trusting and loving. 

I have thought a lot about McKye and his simple statement that Jesus was with us in our home. 

He has also asked, lately, "Where is Jesus?" To which I give a fumbly answer about heaven with Heavenly Father and try and bridge it to a little lesson on the Resurrection and Eternal families. 

The last time this happened (because everything with preschoolers repeats!) McKye was asking again if, seeing as we couldn't go to Caleb's house, if we could go see Jesus. 

To my surprise, Levi piped in, "NO McKye, die first, then go see Jesus!!!"

My little Levi, always listening. 

I tried to talk about how this life is a gift and a test, that Jesus wants our family to experience earth life and learn to follow Him and have faith and choose the right even when we can't see Him.

To which McKye, said, "Okay, well can we go to Max and Ruby's house?"

I hope Jesus is a little more real to them than their favorite cartoon characters, I think the difference is, one day they'll need Him, like we all do.

Then last week in Church, Levi started looking around, I assumed for all his little fans he likes to flirt with each week, but then he very adamantly asked, still earnestly scanning the pews, "Jesus at church???" (Where else would He be, right???)

It took me back to a time in primary, where we were trying to get the kids excited for our primary presentation. I said something like, "Remember who we get to sing for next week?"(meaning their parents) and this little foster care boy who really struggled with sitting though Church and who compared with the other kids had had so little gospel instruction in his life, turned and looked at me with wide eyes and siad, "Jesus?!?!?"

He truly believed that it made perfect sense that this Jesus Christ, who we had spoke of every week, and taught testified of, of course He would be coming to hear us sing. 
And I know He did.

I know He does. He is so near. Ever aware and ever loving.

For where two or three are gathered btogether in my name, 
there am I in the midst of them.

Even if that's just at our breakfast table, eating Cheerios and yogurt.

The title from this post comes from this beautiful primary song:

If you haven't heard this ....go HERE

A long time ago in a beautiful place,
Children were gathered ’round Jesus.
He blessed and taught as they felt of His love.
Each saw the tears on His face.
The love that He felt for His little ones
I know He feels for me.
I did not touch Him or sit on His knee,
Yet, Jesus is real to me.

I know He lives!
I will follow faithfully.
My heart I give to Him.
I know that my Savior loves me.

Now I am here in a beautiful place,
Learning the teachings of Jesus.
Parents and teachers will help guide the way, Lighting my path ev’ry day.

Wrapped in the arms of my Savior’s love,
I feel His gentle touch.
Living each day, I will follow His way,
Home to my Father above.

I know He lives!
I will follow faithfully.
My heart I give to Him.
I know that my Savior loves me.

PS Can you post-script on blogs or is it PB "post blog"? anyway...






(video of Aaron signign I know my father lives)

Aaron's new church cards he loves! We tweaked ours a lot but the
originals can be downloaded here

Charlie, Aaron's aid  at school, told me how even Aaron shows us how real the Lord is to Him. 

They were preparing a Father's day card and as they often do Aaron was typing, instead of printing, as his aid pointed out the letter's to spell "Happy Father's Day". 

She said when she said and pointed to the word Father, Aaron looked up and just giggled. Charlie says she gets goosebumps every time she tells someone about it. 

You see Ben has never been "Father" to our kids, he has always and only every been "Dad" or "Daddy"...the only "Father" Aaron has ever been told about is His Heavenly one. I love that He has connected his Father in Heaven with Joy. 

Link to video of Aaron signing "I Know My Father Lives"

When I ask my kids if Jesus loves them, they look at me like I'm a little bit crazy and say, "yes!" like of course mom, why wouldn't Jeus love me, I'm awesome. 

How quickly our own awareness of our own weakness, shortcomings and sins, has us doubting our relationship with our Saviour. Oh, how parenting has solidified that for me! I can be so steaming mad at my kids, or annoyed out of my mind, and still, their is never an instant where I don't love them more than I realized possible. THey are mine and nothing can change that. 

 Who shall separate us from the alove of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

...For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35-39)

Nothing.