Tired but Trying

So no matter how much I try to put on something cute, and do my make up (even shower!), at least two people every week at church tell me I look tired.

I know they are trying to be sympathetic and maybe are just assuming I'm tired as I rush about like a lunitic trying to keep primary from crumbling before my eyes, carrying at least 2 bags, a couple of binders, and usually a kid (but where are my keys???) And forgetting something at the church, EVERY week, with out fail! Every week. Yup, they assume right. I'm tired.

I just thought I was better at hiding it?  Apparently I'm not.

I try and be more organized, more color coded, more typed out scheduled, and it always seems to be all for naught, and there I am again flying by the seat of my pants, trying to make it work.

But I've decided this calling is not so much about me learning to be more organized (let's face it, their are just a lot of other peopel more talented in that department and it ain't me!) as it is about me humbling myself and learning to rely on the Lord. Not my well planned sharing time or my good intentioned emailed plans. Planning and preparing are important, don't get me wrong. But so are praying and relying--which I need to do more of both. I also need to be humble enough to stop expecting that if I'll just work hard enough, things will go perfectly. Because what they heck is "perfect" in primary???

Perfection comes from the unexpected, and unimaginable things the kids say and do and the unimaginable spirit you feel in the midst of it all. I need to realize even if I am incapable of "staying on top" of "things", it's okay. It's just fine. It might even be better.

I think I'm just tired of feeling dumb. Making mistakes and blunders, I'm certain other primary presidents NEVER make. (Even the ones about to have their sixth baby that make it look so easy...cough cough Amy!)

Like getting up early and doing primary stuff for 3 hours before 9am church, only to get there and realize I missed ward council. And having my sweet visiting teaching companion catch my eye (As I try desperately to "hold it together").

"You look tired." she said it so empathetically, so kindly that I dropped down beside her and starting crying, practically in her lap. She wrote me a nice note that week. It made me cry too.

Crying releases stress hormones, so that's good right.

I cry a lot at church. I worry that's all the primary will remember. 
"Sister Bretzke? Hmmm. Oh ya! She's the one that cried all the time!"

We sang "Because I have Been Given Much" today, and one of the lines started off the tears that would flow freely through out church today. "I shall divide my gifts from thee, with every brother that I see, who has the need of help from me"

I thought about how divided I often feel, pulled by responsibilities, feeling the pull to minister more personally to the children. Pulled by my own children, not only at home, but at church-- Aaron asking me to pick him up while I try to conduct, McKye following suit and clinging to my legs while I try and teach, all the rest of the primary kids eyes looking up at me, all asking for and needing a primary that will prepare them for the intense world they live in. Divided focus. Divided time. 
But the song made me feel like I was giving myself, giving what I'd been given. 
Love. Testimony. Encouragement. Divvying it up as needed. 

And I'm so grateful for those who give too me. The tired, crying primary president.

The wonderful, seasoned primary workers, who caught me after church to say, "It'll all work out. It never feels like it will, but believe me I've been through a LOT of primary presentations, and they ALWAYS work out."

And I know it will. 
Because those blessed,
spirit inducing, 
soul calming, 
bravery giving 
primary songs tell me it will!

They remind me that I just have to try. And I really am trying.

I'm trying to be like Jesus... I'm learning to love as He did.
I'm trying to be a good leader in Primary and I'm learning how as I go. 

And He's right there with me.  Reminding. Whispering. Smiling.
 Just like we do to with the kids.

I am a child of God after all. Still learning. Trying. Crying. 

And just like our kids, sometimes, I'm just tired. 

Our invites. Aren't they cute??? Ya, I didn't make them.