Hope in Trials (talk I gave a while ago)

My mom mentioned, she was re-reading her copy of this just the other day. 

Another talk I gave more recently that also dealt with this topic of compensation, made me realize that of all the principles of the gospel, this is the one I have the strongest testimony of. That it doesn't matter how dark, or horrible, or even traumatic life can be, for those who turn to Christ, He will, through His Atonement turn those awful things, to our good, making light, and beauty, and peace. 

To me that IS the atonement. 

The filth of sin to purity. Crimson to snow. Pain to joy. Hurt to healing. 

All things to our good. I know that to be true.

As intimidating as it was to speak at Stake Conference, it was also such a privileged, especially being given such a tender topic. The whole time I prepared I felt the Lord asking me to comfort His children, to send a message of not only hope but love to them. 

We can have Hope in our Trials, as we Experience the Lord’s Love

Lethbrideg AB West Stake Conference May 1^st 2011

Pres. Eyring, as a young church leader, was once told “When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.”   

I considered that as I prepared this talk.  I don’t know everyone here, but I thought of those of you I do know. And those of you who I know well enough to know of some of your challenges. I thought of how much I love you and admire you.

I thought about how a while ago I was making some calls checking in with friends.

 During those phone calls I found one friend extremely stressed, her husband unable to find work. He’d taken schooling like the Prophets said, had paid tithing faithfully, hadn’t postponed their family, but instead of the home they were dreaming of they, found themselves two week before Christmas moving into a basement suite way too small for their two active boys and a new baby.  

Another friend called me and cried as she described how her brother’s wife had given birth to a beautiful baby girl, but due to complications ending up holding her for only hours, listening to the heart monitor slow, just waiting for her to slip back across the veil she had just left.

And finally, a friend, who’s husband informed her he wouldn’t be blessing their new baby because he’d been lying to her for a year, taking drugs, drinking and looking at pornography, all because he wasn’t sure if he still believed the church was true.

At that point I decided to stop phoning people.

But as I contemplated all my friends very serious situations, there was a common thread. Were they concerned? Of course. Where they frustrated even devastated, yes.

But they were NOT hopeless.

Each of them at some point in our conversation described to me their knowledge that God was in charge, that He loved them and that it would all work out and they would make it through because of their faith in their Savior Jesus Christ and his restored church.

The 34^th Pslams says:

15The ^aeyes of the Lord are upon the ^brighteous, …

 17The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and ^adelivereth them out of all their troubles.

 19Many are the ^aafflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.

Deliverance makes me think of trials ending

Yet, none of my friends problems have gone away. But neither has their hope.

Their hope is more than a “finger-crossed” hope. Their hope, like the hope described in the scriptures is more than just having a good attitude.

In Romans 5 we read:

“We glory in tribulations … knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

“And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

Larry Hiller wrote in an Ensign article: As I read…those verses and…the one concept I could not seem to wrap my mind around was how experience fits in the equation. I could understand that tribulation “worketh” (or brings about) patience. Often that’s all we can do in tribulation—have faith and wait patiently upon the Lord. But what is the experience that patience brings about? And how does it result in hope?

To answer that question I would like to share an experience told by Emily Freeman and LDS author tells of her experiences of having her son Josh diagnosed with diabetes. She tells of bringing him home from the hospital and how josh thought that because he’d came home  he was better. “I will never forget “ she describes, “the first day we got home, setting him up on the counter to test him and give him his shots…. "I hate you. I hate this, you don’t’ do this to anyone else in our family. You only do this to me.  I’ll never forget as I gave him his shot Grabbed my cheeks and pinched just as hard as he could and I didn’t stop him because I felt like I was hurting him and he had every right to her me, I‘ll never forget  setting him down  on the floor that day and him run to his room and slamming the door and I sat right their  in the middle of my tile floor and  cried and I thought to myself How would we ever get through. That was a really hard year if I had to choose one word to describe that year the word I would choose is darkness."

"I remember one night, after the whole house was quite. I cried for 2 hours, and I went through a list in my head of everyone that I knew. My parents, my sisters, my husband …my grandmothers, my aunts and people in my ward, my friends my bishop my Releif Society presidency…I kept thinking someone must know how to help me heal , how to get out of this place, …at the end of the two hours nothing--no one."

 "It was at that moment of complete anguish, feeling totally alone that a voice whispered to my heart “Heavenly father knows.” And I knew that was true.  And it was enough."

When we endure tribulation with faith and patience, what we experience, what she experienced that night, is the Savior’s awareness of us and His love for us.

We experience them through the ministrations of the Holy Ghost. And we receive such witnesses after the trial of our faith (see Ether 12:6)

That is my testimony today that Heavenly Father is there, that He knows.  He not only knows every hairs on our head but every thought IN our head, every feeling in our heart, every pain, every loss. He knows the whole story. He not only knows every sparrow that falls, but every time we fall, and every time we get back up. He knows because He is there.

In the dark of Liberty Jail, even Joseph felt compelled to ask 

 “O God Where art thou? 

And how long? (how often do we just want to know how long we have to last?)

It was pointed out to me in a Sunday school class that God answers the question of "how long" right away. In vs 7, He says “My son, peace be unto thy soul, thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment."

He continues on to teach so many great principles. To remind him of the loyaty of his friends. He uses the scriptural example of Job, he teaches about the power of the priesthood, but he still hasn’t answered the first question. 

He lists unimaginable hardships, ending with even if the "very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The son of Man hath descended below them all. 

Art though greater than he?"

“Hold on thy way”  keep going.

“Thy days are known” there is a plan.

“Fear not “ 

(and here finally is the answer to that initial desperate question:

“ God where art thou?)

“Fear not for God shall be WITH you forever and ever.”

I’m right here.

It will all be okay, 

I’m right here with you.

Not “one day this will be over and you can come and be in Heaven with me, but right now, Joseph, as you suffer in this place and all of it’s darkness, I’m with you right now.  

The Lord could tell Joseph to “stand still and with the utmost assurance [or in other words hope] 

to see the salvation of God. Why? Because God, and His salvation were there all along.

The Lord told Joseph that “all these things would give him EXPERIENCE”.

In the darkness of a prison Joseph heard the voice of the Lord, and felt of his love. His captors may have separated him from his wife, his family and the church he lead but they could not separate him from his Master.

The Apostle Paul asked, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?”

“Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

Paul also wrote (and this is our family scripture)

 “ all things work together for good…to those that LOVE God.”

As we trust God’s love, and love and Trust Him in return, we can have a sure hope in the certainty that all will be put right, all will work out, that the great law of composition through the power of the Atonement will make everything work together for our good.”

Elder Orson F. Whitney said: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. … All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” 

Our Heavenly Father has prepared specific trials for each of our educations.

In Mathew 7:9  Christ asked:

Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask ^abread, will he give him a stone?

Brad Wilcox talks about how sometimes we receive trials and we say ”why did you give me such a stone!”

Many of you know that my son Aaron has Autism, which at times I can be tempted to look at like a “stone” But God---

God only gives bread and I know that Heavenly Father gave Aaron to us, as bread. As we have chosen to look at the difficulties that come along with our son’s disorder as bread- blessings and not as a stone, we are able to focus on what the Lord wants us to learn and become as a result of our experiences.

I have always loved the story of the man in the Martin handcart company, who when others were talking as if the hardships faced by that company were stones, replied:

"I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.' "

" 'I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

" 'Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. 
The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay' "

We all have our own forms of handcarts. 
We have serious and sometimes long lasting struggles that are hard and heavy to push. They are varied and designed specifically for us alone.

But, in the end, the price we will each pay in our individual trials will be a privilege, for we will experience in those moments--- where we were not sure if we could go on, and in those Liberty jail type moments when we ask God Where art thou? We will know in our hearts, He is with us. We will know that He is real, and that He really does know us, that He truly does love us, and that He was THERE all along.

This I testify is true, in the Name of Jesus Christ Amen.






The whole time I wrote this talk this song kept running through my head. I love it.

Our latest MIRACLE...aka family photos

 Family photos. 
And no "miracle" is not an exaggeration.


PLEASE NOTE: My friend Kelsey, who took these photos is (obviously!!!) extremely talented, she's also very professional and has worked hard to establish a skill and style of her own. She also knows I like to dable in photography and editing, so she very graciously allowed me to also have the  non-edited versions of our photos. So to respect her, I will very clearly mark those photos that are either did not receive her editing or where I went beyond her existing edits. There's not many, cuz I LOVE hers so much! See all her "miracle working" HERE.


Check it out!!!! We got one!!!!

The photo above (which is already uploaded to grace the cover of our annual digital photo album, will very soon be blown up over our mantle, and may very well become the new blog header for this very site)  is basically a dream come true! 


To understand that, you have to realize that the few photo shoots we have attempted I have come home in tears, and my dear husband has kindly suggested that perhaps I needed to let go of my expectation that OUR family could have a nice family photo taken (like everybody else). Having tried my hand at a bit of photography and taken pictures for others, I wasn't so naive to think that family photos are all bliss and ease. They're hard work. Especially for moms. Emotions are using running high after the stress of getting  (and keeping) everyone presentable (in the outfits that took weeks of planning and decision making), and for some reason the idea of smiling for a half hour or so puts men into immediate fight or flight. 

Having a child who can't maintain eye contact, let alone follow instruction to look at the camera and say "cheese", actually led to me to decide that my love of taking photos didn't need to be validated by me hiring out, I could just take pictures of my own family. ( I was going to link to my post about that, until I realized it's still just a draft:)

But as the fall photo shoots posted on facebook, I could tell I was wanting to try again. 

See you don't appreciate the "miracle" that the photo above until you realize THIS is what was happening just before: 

* obviously this are unedited, 

sorry Kels, they just tell the story so well!

Can you see the concentration in my face?
 (Ben looks like hes having fun)

This is and * unedited one of him
once he "came around"

 Kelsey was so good to us! I showed up with hungry kids (somehow the stop-for-fries-right-before-plan had evaporated) and both Levi and McKye had fallen asleep in the van ride over. McKye for probably three-quarters of the shoot refused to cooperate in any way shape or form, full on screaming, hiding his face, and decided no one was taking that airplane away from him. Kels just went with it, reassured me that the red plane "gave a nice little pop of color". Ever so patiently trying to coax McKye into cooperation, finally taking most of his shots while he jumped in and out of the little red wagon. 


She was amazing! She distracted me from being self conscious of my zitty face ("easily photo-shoped!") by talking about my model long legs (this was my debut in skinnies, by the way, a bit of a triumph in and of itself) She downplayed my kids inattention with promises of "easy-peezy head swapping". 
She was just perfect in every way. 


* Speaking of perfect, I can't image why these didn't make the cut?

Must of been the people in the background, cuz surely it wasn't the nose picking or lovely grimace face!

I guess I was pretty transparent in my insecurities and frustrations about my uncooperative, non-posing kids, because afterward she so sweetly looked me in the eyes and said, 

"Honestly Chels, this was just a typical family shoot."

I'm tearing up right now even thinking about it! 

"Typical" is the politically correct term for "normal" I hear all the time dealing with Aaron's challenges. her wording and her sincerity were truly a tender mercy.

Remember the conference talk, with the story of the man who prayed to find a quarter so he could by some fried chicken? 

I loved thta talk, because all too often I talk  myself out of asking Heavenly Father for things, convincing myself they're not important.

"In His mercy, the God of heaven, the Creator and Ruler of all things everywhere, had heard a prayer about a very minor thing. One might well ask why He would concern Himself with something so small. I am led to believe that our Heavenly Father loves us so much that the things that are important to us become important to Him, just because He loves us."

Have a nice family picture was important to me.

And they will always remind me that the Lord loves me enough to grant my "fried chicken prayers."

* This was a crop I made. Sorry Kels I know the image is a little blown out this close, but I was so drawn to their expressions. This picture completely captures the essense of Ben and Aaron. Love it.

* Another additional crop. Like most moms I'm always taking the photos and a good one of us with our kids, is golden!

Even though Aaron isn't so great at smiling on demand... and gets a little anxious...

She managed to capture his joy, perfectly.

* another crop of Kelsey's edit...man those eyes!!!! Just wanna kiss him!

And even get one of our silly McKye (even without the airplane!)

* I played with the color on this one...oh and thanks Amanda for lending me your boots! they were perfect.

*This was one I tried to quickly edit, I'm obviously not as good as Kels, but I felt like this one was the most "Levi"ish.

* a slight crop (to recreate a picture we have with Aaron about the same age)

Doesn't my hair look good!?! Of course it does, cuz I didn't do it! I got it cut and styled right before by my friend Nysha. 
 It was a good plan.

These are different shots, can you tell?

* the right is my crop

I doubled all these up, just for convenience in posting/viewing.

Aaron didn't want to be in the pictures, but as soon as we were trying to get just Ben and me he was all over us.  He loves mommy and daddy group hugs.

My handsome Benny!

Are our serious faces believable?

A definitie fav.

By the way, it was suppose to be either snowing or freezing rain that day, and I prayed like crazy. 
So ya, miracles.

Once again, our miracle worker photographer can be found at:
http://www.photographybykels.com/

McDonalds Tears and Triupmphs

Today, I spontaneously headed to McDonalds with three friends and their kids (three ladies whom I lovingly refer to as "my bermuda triangle"...we have stood in church gyms for hours after activities, sat in parking lots, til our husbands wondered if we'd ever return...yup,  when we get chatting we just don't stop!)
And despite totally forgetting about an appointment I had, I had such a great afternoon.


Now, McDonalds has not always granted me such happy memories.


Aaron has been diagnosied now for just over three years (I remember because the day we met for the offical pediatriacan appointment, I was in labour with McKye!)


That's three years of trips to McDonald's.
Aaron loves McDonald's. Loves it almost too much. 
Let's see, he regularly snatches fries from random tables. He's stolen sips of people's pop. 
He never wears socks, which is hard for little rule keepers, "But mommy THAT little boy isn't wearing HIS socks!!!!" (You see Aaron is a rule keeper too, and his rule is either socks AND shoes or both off!) His latest trick is spitting pop on the floor, mesmerized by the little puddles. But he also loves to sneak up and give random people hugs, mostly ladies with long hair. Although he has hugged the occasional rough-gruff grandpa (he likes beards too!) and once or twice as I pull him off  with an awkward "Opps, hugs for strangers day!" I've thought I saw a tear forming in some lonely person's eye, and I think, man sometimes social restraints really prevent us from giving each other what we need. 


Well a family today was not so "touched" by my sons behaviour. They were down right annoyed.


Honestly, I was having such a great time chatting that I wasn't as vigilant as I normally am at play places that experience has proven so precarious.


My one friend, who has developed quite the soft spot for my little man (every time she heard us do his little primary part, found in the middle of this post, she admitted choked up every time!) was the one that noticed they were getting a little fed up. I had pulled him down off their bench a few times, had tuned jut in time to hear the other mother saying "those aren't yours buddy" as he snatched some fresh fries, to which I went and bought him some more, which probably made him look incredible spoiled (even though my kids never even get happy meals).


I could tell my friend was frustrated that they didn't understand.
And I totally get where she's coming from, because I was there for a long time.


Right after Aaron was diagnosed it coloured EVERYTHING. Every odd action or non-response (oh how many cute little grandmas and grandpa's would try and make small talk with him in the shopping cart: "Uh-oh someone's not very chatty today!" "Nope not today." Or ever.


I felt like I had to jump in and make sure everyone understood. He has Autism everybody! 
I just wanted to shout. I would constantly be deliberating when I was going to jump on my soap box and give them my little speel. Me trying to match some still forming ideal of what it meant to be an "advocate". When I got tired of dropping "A" bombs, I found myself actually considering t-shirts like this:

. Because, I see now I was so afraid  Afraid that if they didn't know the right "whys", the obvious other explaination was that I was a "bad mom". But the flaw here is facing the world as the enemy, assuming everyone is harsh and judging...which in this journey I've discovered just simply IS NOT TRUE. 


Sure there's some ignorance. (My fav was some one who asked if he had a little "tism" of a lot.) But there's lots of diseases and disordered I know nothing about...because we can't all know and experience everything. We just need to assume everybody is doing there best.




Today I thought back to what I see now as a very insecure, new mother, which honestly, until today I didn't think I'd made much head-way with. I could have gone over and given an "excuse me my son is actually autistic" speech (which has lead to some really positive experiences in the past), but at that point it would have been for me, and it would have just made them feel bad. So I didn't. And I didn't go away flustered or aggravated, it was okay that those particular strangers thought I was the mother of a spoiled brat, who doesn't listen, because I know that's not the case.


Three years ago I couldn't have done that, I didn't. I have very vivid memories of leaving the exact same McDonalds in heaving sobs, so mortified and feeling so abnormal that I couldn't even take my little boy, who loves McDonalds to go get fries with out emotional upheaval!


But then I took McKye once when I was pregnant with Levi, and Aaron was at school. Chasing a 23 month old, 8 months pregnant is...challenging? nope it's impossible! McKye was going through his "hitting" phase (I wonder if we'll ever leave that phase?) and some lady came up all confrontation "Your kid just punched my little girl in the face!" (which he hadn't, I'd been watching the whole time, there'd been some age-appropriate and mutual-mauling, but of course my boy was the perpetrator.) I felt very pregnant and very picked on and me and McKye left in tears.


And that's when I realized. All our kids are special. Nobody truly "understands" or knows any of my kids, like I do. And that's okay. Because they have me. And when the world thinks, their weird or quirky or undisciplined, I think they're perfect, cuz they're mine. And we all deserve someone to think we're the best. Our confidence in our kids helps them decide, huh maybe I am capable. (Which I realize is exactly what my friends do for me! If I'd been alone in McDonald's this post may have been a lot different. Almost like because my friend cared so much, I felt secure enough not to care what others thought.)


So to the me three years ago, bawling her eyes out in the parking lot wiping her nose with rough McDonalds napkins smelling of ketchup--


chin up girlie. Today it matters. it matters so much. And then one day (November 16th, 2011) you'll suddenly realize, it doesn't any more. And you'll realized, all this time when you thought you were spinning your wheels, you we're growing and becoming stronger. That doesn't mean you won't ever leave McDonalds in tears again, I'm sure you will, but today you didn't. 
You walked out not caring if some lady thought you were the worst, cuz your too happy you have such great friends who know and love you and your kids. And today that was all that mattered.

 

So this is a great deleted scene form the movie "Snow Cake".  Alan Rickman goes to try and clear his conscience of a fatal accident and ends up staying with the victims mother, who has autism. Sigouney Waver, I thought did such a good job portraying autism in a less stereotypical Rain Man type way .


                                       JUST WATCH FROM minute 2 to 5.